Today I worked a 14 hour day. I’m not necessarily complaining; it was my own doing. Those last few hours were due to my avoiding a responsibility and needing to address it before tomorrow. But here’s some other stuff.
I avoided a co-worker for the majority of the day because I had a gift for him and I wanted to leave it for him as a surprise instead of physically hand it to him. When I had finally resigned to presenting it in person, he was gone for the day. In the one moment I realized needing a friend was more important than surprising said friend, he was gone.
On Friday a girl I work with asked me about “taking work home,” by which she meant the suicidal kind. I didn’t carry that with me all weekend, but I relayed that thought to her psychiatrist today and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her since.
I’m “on call,” which means if there’s a crisis, they page me. There aren’t often crises. I updated (re: completely redid) the on-call book. It was out of date, it was falling apart, it was pathetic, and it made it seem like it wasn’t something to take seriously. I’m just sad I’m the only one who noticed…or cared. I probably shouldn’t drink when I’m on call. I made an exception tonight.
I got an article in my mailbox on the ethical importance of self-care from one of my favorites at work. I almost cried. Instead I went to her and got lost in one of those hours where it’s a little bit her and a little bit me because maybe we’re both too awkward to talk about planning things outside of work. I learn a lot about me the way she talks about me. I think she learns a lot about her the way I talk about her. It’s pretty functional but a little dysfunctional. She made an IG and I had to block her because I’m not stable enough to share that shit with people I have a higher level of respect for than my own kin.
I felt more respected as an intern than as a staff clinician in the program that I’m employed. I hope when I get a degree and a license I can change positions…or else I’m just out. My manager is the only person I know of in my agency that’s all about politics and numbers and doesn’t give a fuck about people. No, thanks. (This statement is ironic because preschool teachers keep saying “no, thanks” to kids and I think it’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard a preschool teacher say. Stop being condescending to kids and act like a normal grown-up.)
End rant. For now.