From my sickbed.

Today’s post has to happen prior to the effect of my “NiteTime Severe Cold & Flu” juice because I will absolutely pass out, regardless of what I’m doing. Now I understand just why they wanted to ID me when I was buying it. This shit is deadly, and if I only knew how to make sizzurp, I’d probably try to do what the kids are doing these days.

Anyway, time for an update. I think I’m done again. I wrote about 65 text messages and deleted 63 of them. I  sent one and I saved another. I didn’t have the balls to send the one I saved and the one I sent was not met with a reply. I think I need to take a hint. I think I need to stop telling myself that I can’t give up if I haven’t yet tried. I don’t think that’s how this works. I think two people have a mutual interest in each other and then something happens. Sooo…I think I go back to staying away. Or at least keeping my distance. That seems safest and maybe the best I can do/get.

Plus, this thing happened and it got me thinking. Someone posted one of those wordy meme things on Facebook and tagged me in the post. It read “being single doesn’t mean you are unwanted or undesired. It means you know your worth and are waiting for someone to be worthy.” Fuck, did that bring up a lot of shit for me. This is what people think of me…this is the impression I give. This is not the reason I’m single. Well, it’s part of it. There’s definitely a part of me that believes I could be in a committed relationship–hell, I was considering asking someone on a date. Mr. Wonderful and I could have been something, maybe. Or maybe the draw to him was that he was going away, or that he was actually unattainable from the start. Maybe that’s my draw to this other guy too. He’s essentially unattainable. I mean, I’m pretty sure he’s still in love with his ex-girlfriend. But I digress…

So anyway, the biggest reason I’m single is because I’m selfish. I thought we went over this, blog. I thought we had this all straightened out. I like to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I like not having to censor myself or consider what someone else wants when making decisions. I like that much more than I like the feeling of companionship. I have companions anyway, I just suck at attachment so badly that I don’t seem to have the ability to make good close friendships. This is the thing I wish I could change the most.

Anyway, the selfish thing and the short-term nature of my life right now. I mean, I’m leaving Worcester. There were two people I could have considered staying to hang around a little longer, but neither appear interested. So I’m outty. I’m headed back to the PHL where I can hopefully get around to making more of those close friendship connections and mingle with the masses. I miss one of my besties, Ted. I hope our plan to live in different apartments in the same house works out because I think I was happiest during that time in Philly.

Sorry, my fuzzy brain + meds is doing the distraction thing again–so I’m selfish, there are very few people who would make me consider being less selfish, and I’m leaving the Worc in like 10 months. I need to remember this shit when I get those thoughts about trying to make it work with someone local. This is the second largest reason why I can’t ask anyone out on a date. I need to deactivate these stupid dating apps because I truly do not want to go out with anyone from a dating app and I really only added them for amusement purposes anyway. I just got sucked into using them. But to be honest, I feel awful talking to anyone because I know that when they ask me to hang out I’m just going to say no. Heh.

Because I’m selfish. I want to chat, but I don’t want to meet. Silly girl.

Enter NyQuil-like Walmart product-induced coma…


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