Tonight.

Tonight I may have found the middle.

Tonight I pretended I did.

Tonight I passed it.

Tonight I stopped pretending in my head that I was going to play it cool–that I was going to be part of the sidelines.

Tonight I played it cool…sometimes…and became part of the sidelines.

But tonight it turned out that my being a part of the sidelines was actually my being awesome.

Tonight I decided I would go for it.

Tonight I recognized my own “jealousy” and I acknowledged what it would look like to truly trust.

Tonight I agreed (with myself) that I could do that.

Tonight I became too terrified to sing in front of other people.

Tonight I was supportive of other people singing in front of me for the first time.

Tonight I played it cool.

Tonight I didn’t get so drunk I lost sight of tonight.

Tonight I realized that my “Monday cigarette” gets me “high” every time.

Tonight I turned down actually getting high.

Tonight it was in favor of being the “hot girl” in the short skirt trying to get money out of people I didn’t know.

Tonight I got money out of people I didn’t know.

Tonight I decided I would follow the path I so eloquently laid out for people I barely knew who got a vibe from me that I had my shit together and truly meant what I was saying.

Tonight I acknowledged that yes, I am closed off. And yes, I am cynical. And no, I don’t believe in forevers. But I am realistic. And I believe that feelings happen outside of our control and I know that I won’t *really* deny them if and when they do. So maybe I needed new people to sit down and have a conversation with me about that, but either way they did…and I’m so much less existential than I was yesterday (the royal “yesterday;” I’m existential as fuck).

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