I am a new person today. It’s amazing the difference two days makes. I’m in a relatively open bar area on the last ferry for the night with the only bartender I’ve ever had more than once and didn’t hate. He served me before he served anyone else, like some sort of ferry cosmic karma. One of the cooks, who I happen to have a direct view of, said hello as he put on music to dance around to during his shift, has looked at me repeatedly and would “totally hit that.” I like his energy. It reminds me of my own. I could only imagine if I were working the 8:45 ferry shift I would be running out of steam, but this guy just needs a little Paul Simon to get by and he’s in it.
I’m attributing this to a change in me, whether or not that is actually the case. I went to NY a poor, poor, pitiful human and I came back returned to the track I was on not more than a few months back. I had one of those weekends where I didn’t have any set plans but played it by ear and was therefore able to do just about whatever I wanted. Secondarily, I learned about my ex-boyfriend’s giant warehouse-grade Halloween party and aside from saying, “stop, please, I don’t want to know,” it truly didn’t, and doesn’t, affect me. Maybe it’s because I’m going to be in Salem with some awesome people that I love dearly, but I really didn’t think about that. I guess I don’t want to know things because I think maybe I’ll care, but I haven’t learned anything recently that made me care even a little bit.
That’s enough about that though, for sure. So save for getting my hair colored, I had little planned. What I wound up doing included said hair coloring, but also entailed seeing someone from high school that hadn’t said two words to me back then. Someone who repeatedly commented on how sexy I am and questioned just when that had occurred. I didn’t ask, but I’d be interested to know just what, if anything, he remembered about me in high school. Ha. Double ha. People from that crowd don’t remember anything; he couldn’t even accurately guess which letter my last name began with (C or K). But he did a thing I didn’t expect…actually, he did a number of things I didn’t expect and I’m not going to put all of them on blast via blog post because I’ve been trying to be more vague about including others in my own writings. In any event, as I took a cab back to my car in the morning, I was reminded about what I was doing in the first place. About how I get to live my life however the fuck I want to. How I can encounter some awesome people, and I can do whatever the hell I want to do with them, or not, and then I can move on to the next thing. I’m not exactly back to “over” whatever Mr. Wonderful undid, but I’m so much better than I was on the last ferry ride. A renewed sense of self, or something of the sort.
So now I am a redder-haired, more confident, more independent, less emotional individual, and if this process of being broken and put back together happens over the course of a few months, I think I can handle that. Now I just need the courage to sing my new song (after I tweak it, obviously) at the Gerund for open mic. And maybe the courage to find out the cook’s name, which I will do, but only if he comes back out to check on the Eagles/Panthers game that’s happening in front of me.