I am, for lack of a better term, a “hot mess.”

I would like to start by saying that today was a Universe inspired mind-fuck. First, the highlights. Then, the continued existential crisis.

Brunch at Armsby Abbey with my loves–my cohort loves–and one of their mothers. My “twin” arrived as my twin, albeit unexpectedly, and we ordered the same meal, despite my attempt not to order the same thing twice. I couldn’t do it. The hash there is amazing.

Following this wonderful meal with wonderful people, twin accompanied me as I ventured to Hyland Orchard to re-meet up with a few of the cohorters (yeah, I’m coining it) for some apple picking, or as the roomie likes to call it, paying people to do their work for them. We also stopped at the on-site Rapscallion Brewery where I intended to order a flight, but accidentally wound up with a flight and an extra beer due to bartender error.

It was imperative to take a nap when I got home, so I slept until what seemed like the last possible second before pulling together a black bean salsa dip for tomorrow’s work potluck and running out to be late to the Dirty Gerund Poetry Show, which I’ve yet to miss since moving to Worcester 7 weeks ago. The short story is that the poetry was great, the company was (as always) great, the feature was great (I purchased her CD), the artwork was dark but great (which was purchased for me), and I stayed past showtime because…well, see the existential crisis section of this rant. I continued to get to know some of the regulars, as well as the feature, and I continue to sacrifice my Tuesday self for the amazement that is that group of individuals and what they bring to the world. I drove the feature and her bestie to their hotel and received her book in addition to the CD as a payment for services rendered. She was an amazing contact to have made. She is an inspiration and a fantastic poet. I’m not entirely sure why I didn’t ask her to sign my book, but in hindsight, I should have.

Now, it is 2:15 a.m., I have to be at work in 6 hours and 45 minutes, and I continue to live in my head. I had done well with my last post’s resolutions. I may not have made it to the gym, but I have spent every day busy. I have successfully distracted myself enough that I finally stopped thinking about Mr. Wonderful and the slew of unknowns and lack of commitment and insecurity that comes with him. I caved only once, but didn’t let it affect me as I thought it might. I began to think that maybe Mr. Wonderful represented something James The Giant Douche used to talk about–the ideal. JTGD used to say to me that I didn’t love him, but I loved the “idea” of him. I dismissed him, repeatedly. So now I have to sit with myself and think about what I want.

Here’s the deal–I may not even be able to have what I want. I am torn between two things that I want. I want the “idea” of Mr. Wonderful, but the intuitive part of me believes that the idea of him is not him. I spent the better part of the last year adamant about not wanting to be with someone for more than something to do when I wanted something to do. That has seemingly changed. However, I spent the better part of the four years prior to this past one with someone who wanted to commit, but couldn’t; who felt feelings, but would refuse to admit them; who had plenty to say but said nothing. This is all too familiar. This seems like that, again. This feels like a game and despite having energy for many a thing, I don’t seem to have energy for a game. I don’t think I can have this thing that I want, because I’m not sure it’s even the thing that I want.

Which brings me to thing 2: the familiar. The transparent. The idea for something more permanent remains, which drives me absolutely batty, but I know I can’t bury it, so I have just been rolling with it. So…the familiar. The transparent. The serious. The fun. The real. I have tried to find meaning in meaningless things…a glance that may or may not be meant for me, an arm lingering around my waist for just a few extra moments, and…and…and maybe nothing else. This is less likely to become a thing. This will be a thing I think about, idolize as well, and refrain from trying to make anything. For various reasons. Because I’m not past the game. Because I don’t want this desire for permanence. Because it’s not up to me. Because the reasons aren’t always clear. Because I could ruin one of the good things I have. Because because because because because…

…because of the wonderful things he does. I think I need to find the Wizard and go home.

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