This is likely the first NYE I’ve decided to spend asleep. I’d like to thank Facebook for pointing out some good things that happened this year, but I am lately (perhaps being in my hometown for almost two weeks) reminded of the one major awful thing that happened to me this year. I just realized today that after four years…a four year long relationship…I didn’t so much as get a “Merry Christmas” text last week. Four years of my heart and soul, a birthday gift only three weeks ago (it was small but thoughtful, I assure you), and a breakup that actually culminated based on suspicion alone and a difference of perspective, and I’m not even a thought on a holiday. I guess it makes me feel like I wasted the last four years on someone that couldn’t care any less about me. I feel stupid even wasting this many words writing about it.
I think about what I would have done were the situation reversed, and I know I never would have walked away. I know I would have given another chance, but I also know I was the only one talking, the only one trying anymore. At this point though, I’m glad I recognized it for what it was: as excuse to leave. It makes me really sad to think that that’s what it took for him to walk away, but hearing that I was unhappy wasn’t enough to make him do anything differently. He looked for anything to use as an excuse to leave so it wasn’t on his conscious. Amazing.
I guess some people are okay with indefinite long-distance relationships, others want to be married after two or three years. I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable to want to live in the same state after four years and a dozen promises, I just don’t. And I guess maybe 2015 is the year I try to find someone who agrees. This whole internship year thing throws a big wrench into that plan, though, so maybe 2015 is the year I (as one of my close friends would say) “do me,” and 2016 is the year I find the other half of my extraordinary self.
And as a side note, as I was typing this I received a “Happy New Year!” text from an ex-boyfriend who I still consider a good friend. He had I had dated not two full years, had lived together, and will always care about and be there for each other. That…is what I’m holding out for.
Happy new year!