This title is entirely in reference to my…ex?…singing “I’ve got one more sushi without you,” not knowing if he’d only waited a few hours, he’d actually literally be up a few sushi rolls.
That’s not the point of this blog, but I’ve been wanting to write it for *weeks* I tell you.
Anyway, I’m drunk. Like it took all of 30 minutes drunk.
I absolutely had to finish a report tonight because it was due today and my life doesn’t work the way I’ve wanted it to for the past several months so I’m a slave to the midnight oil just to make obligations meet (that’s not a thing, is it?). And then I take like a 25 minute break and 15 minutes in I get the dreaded message that now I have to have “a talk,” and its terrifying and I can’t breathe or eat or get back to editing my report and I have to anyway and I can’t because OMG this is what my brain does. The good news is that I no longer have any desire to ingest food. I’m actually so nauseous that vomiting is a possibility. So I finished my edits. It took forever, because I couldn’t stop taking breaks and thinking about what I might say and what I shouldn’t say and wondering why I feel so far removed from everything.
Like…I did a stupid thing. And that was bad. And then I lied about it, and that was worse. But I feel like I’ve repented and suffered and felt shame enough for all of that and then some. I feel like I’ve felt the remorse of someone whose done worse. So then I feel like a jerk because that sounds like I’m saying I’m not sorry. I’m sorry as fuck, but I know if I had *really* screwed up, I’d be a different level of sorry. Taking four days to myself really helped me realize I was trying to beg and plead and apologize at a level that maybe wasn’t congruent with the offense. Or maybe it was, I don’t know, I’ve never had this problem. …should I just shoot for more sushi? Ugh.
Anyway, I’ve come to the internet to say a thing I keep thinking, and I don’t know why, and usually writing it here gets it out of the big messy space of insecurity and confusion. It’s stupid because it’s like the *exact opposite* of what’s going on. I’m teetering on the edge of having to start from square fucking one, and maybe six hours from now I’ll be at square one, who fucking knows, but until that time (and maybe regardless of it), this remains.
For the last several (yeah, like 8) years I’ve been making a silent promise in my head. I’ve been thinking about the ONE THING that I feel would sell me on a lover’s (lol, I don’t know what the hell else to call someone I’m with…boyfriend?)- a lover’s what? Desire to be with me? Dedication? Loyalty? Fuck, I don’t know. But I *do* know that someone, someday, is going to do this thing. And it’s a thing that takes balls, and actually winds up being a really inexpensive way to win me over forever, and it may be in a year or in twenty, but my heart (stupidly?) believes it will happen someday. Someone, someday, will do this thing and they will show up with a (stupid vanity) thing that leaves me speechless but with an entirely new level of respect and admiration for them.
Right, so this isn’t congruent with my blog title. It’s a selfish and stupid thought I probably had to make myself feel better in the case that I’m rejected in 6 hours…or in a few days…or a week…or a month…or two. Something tells me I couldn’t last more than two months before I went apeshit and just said, “fuck it, forget it!” but you never know. In any event, I’ve been mentally preparing for the worst. I guess that’s a good thing, right? Hope for the best, prepare for the worst? I’ll tell you my “preparation” isn’t that great, but it’s something. It’s one more step that I never did before, so regardless of what happens it’s progress.