Watching ‘The Night Shift’ was supposed to be a distraction…

…instead it was an awful mess of tears.

Over the last few days I’ve learned that if I’m feeling shitty and I start drinking, I feel numb. I’ve also learned that if I’m feeling okay and I start drinking, I feel awful. I confirmed that tonight.

I have to go away. I have to give up on everything. I have to find a way to get $700 back and give up on my dream Puerto Rico vacation with a man I used to refer to as the LOML. I have to give it all up, because it’s the only way I’ll be able to deal with the rejection that I’m sure will come, because no one waits two weeks (or more) to say, “it’s okay, I love you and I want to trust you and I will give you the chance you think you deserve because I want this to be amazing.” Also, because I’ve been told to.

One of my friends thinks I don’t feel my feelings, but I assure you, that friend, my feelings couldn’t be more real as I write this through blurred teary vision.

Sure, there are other people. I’m sure some of them are nice, and smart, and funny, but none of them are what I lost when I decided to lie. When my knee-jerk reaction was to CMA because that’s what all the douchebags in my life had taught me. When I didn’t even do anything wrong, I still tried to CMA.

This is all so brand new to me. I always wondered what role this boyfriend would play, and now I know: it’s the one who broke my heart for being an asshole. What a lesson I didn’t want to learn this way.

I’m torn, because if I give it all up right now, I have to start living life like a single person. But if I start living life like a single person, I’m sabotaging the tiniest of hope that’s left, and I’m assuring myself rejection. I tried to pretend I could do that today, and I was wrong. Thanks Jim Beam and The Night Shift for reminding me.

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