Monthly Archives: March 2011

Stalling.

So my first Philly bike ride took place tonight. I finally lugged that thing here from NY and filled the tires when I got situated. Seeing as I had to be at Amanda’s at 9:30 and she lives on the other side of Manayunk, I thought why not? Having ridden some other time in the past eight months probably would have helped. The hills of Manayunk are not kind, nor is the construction/street closures in between our apartments. But in any event, I made it there and back (at 11:00) in one piece, despite being chilled to the bone. I really wish I could make a habit out of bike riding, but it never works. It’ll just become living room furniture soon enough.

I’ve done everything I can think of to avoid doing things for tomorrow. I heated up and ate edamame. I went through all of the websites I usually catch up on daily that I neglected over the past few days. I caught up on Facebook. I coated my shoulder in “Dragon Fire,” some Oriental muscle liniment that I just realized was originally purchased at Modern Warrior. I associate one thing with MW and that one thing happened to (likely) commit suicide about eighteen years ago today (3/29). Kind of weird that there’s that small connection there, at least to me. I’ll never forget March 29th, despite not being close to Anthony (or even Maria, his sister, very much at that point). It was the first time something like that had ever presented itself in my life and my natural desire to heal made me want to skip school and support the family that day. Of course, I couldn’t, and the most contact I had was going to the wake. But I’ll still never forget that morning or this date.

So now I have to get down to business at 1 a.m. First, Im’a make a cup of tea. Then, I’m going to write my TAGS paragraph, explaining what I did between undergrad and grad school (in short: nothing). Then I’m going to read my last ResMeth article. Then I’m going to do my last 2 summaries, hoping they don’t take more than 15 min a pop. Then I’m going to once-over my slides for tomorrow’s presentation, and then, finally, I’m going to get about 5 hours of sleep.

Tomorrow should be a blasty-blast: ResMeth, colloquium, presentation in Personality, clinic, lots of printing, prep for my behavioral assessment Wednesday and if I can keep my eyes open, the start to next week’s reading (going to NY 2 weeks in a row is fucking killing me).

Wednesday should be a bit of a respite, with only the behavioral assessment and an ass-ton of reading to do.

When will I get the chance to get started on my new Philly psychology book club book? Or Naked Lunch? Or On the Road? (The answer: at Stefan’s come Thursday.) But I wanna read it now! Oh well, maybe I’ll allow myself a few chapters in one or two of ’em on Wednesday, depending on how productive I can be. (Ha. Yeah, right.)

I guess it’s time to get crackin’.  ‘Night to the rest of the world!

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General observations.

1. It is easier to lie by omission than it is to upset someone else.

2. Omission becomes much easier to facilitate with support.

3. Familiarity does not rapidly breed contempt. Internalization is a much quicker route.

4. Know you heard this before–never get high on your own supply.

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A mother’s word.

I was surprised to learn today that my mother didn’t think her opinion (of the guys I’ve dated) mattered. The disconnect is flooring; I’ve always hung on every word she’s ever said about the guys I date. For a while there I didn’t think she liked Rob (because he lived with us for a little while, and I assumed he just got on her nerves), but after we broke up she told me how much she loved him. So did my dad, which made it worse. But of course, I didn’t, and that was more important. Whatever happened after Rob was fuzzy, but the next time we had a chat about a boy that I paid attention to was post-Sam, and well, she didn’t have anything good to say (to put it mildly). From that point forward, I made a mental note to try to decode all of her statements concerning my love interests (before I gave up on them entirely).

Today she tells me she didn’t know what I saw in Chris, and I replied by telling her I wished she’d tell me these things while I’m in those relationships. That’s when she let me know she didn’t think it made a difference, because it’s just her opinion. And I would agree about like 95% of stuff. But “mom’s know best,” and her opinion has always meant something to me. I vaguely recall hanging on her every word when we talked about the guys of my past, and throwing out a lot of defenses when she said things that could be construed as negative.

So when she tells me she absolutely loves Stefan, I sincerely hope she means it and isn’t just trying not to sway my subjective experience. She says we compliment each other and that I’m incredibly comfortable with him (which is true, and one of my favorite things about the relationship), but I’m afraid that sounds oddly familiar (was it with Rob?). Different kind of comfort, if it was. Anyway, I wonder if there would ever be anyone I loved so much it didn’t matter how my mother felt about them. Probably not, honestly. But it doesn’t matter, ’cause this’ll be the last boy I date. 🙂

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I’m no Doogie.

Freud said the two most important things are work and love? So says Doogie Howser, M.D. in his two-line daily blog. I wish I could write blogs like him instead of sitting here letting my thoughts run rampant and control my fingers until who-knows-what comes out.  Speaking of having a poor censoring process, did Anson Williams actually sing, or was Happy Days really hell-bent on pretending he could sing? Anyway, I realize now why I don’t post Doogie-style (tee hee) blogs-I wouldn’t have any idea what I was talking about when I looked back in retrospect. His posts are like “Here’s a quote from someone famous, close to me, or something “they” say. Now here’s a witty thought that addresses said quote, ties it into the events of my day and demonstrates that I’ve learned a moral lesson.” If I wrote posts like that, no one, myself included, would have any idea what the hell I was talking about. Plus, I don’t learn moral lessons on a daily basis (I’m also not 16 years old). I like to know what I was thinking. Doogie does all of his thinking and settles on one thing to sum it all up; I’m more interested in the process.

And so you have it-one of my most meta posts to date.

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Productivity at its finest? Deadliest?

I don’t generally like to write about school-related crap, but the amount of shit I’ve accomplished in merely two days has impressed even myself. So just so I can remember my own capabilities, I’d like to make a small list of everything I’ve managed thus far and what I’ve still left to do:

Monday:
– wrote two reaction papers to lectures attended last week
– read five personality related chapters/articles
– posted two personality questions to the discussion board
– made dinner!
– read five psychopathology related chapters/articles
– posted two psychopathology questions to the discussion board
– packed my clothes bag for the rest of the week
– cleaned up after myself and watched a whole half an hour of tv before passing out

Tuesday:
– got a damn massage after lunch at Starbucks (that didn’t help my shoulder after all)
– did some brief “necessity” shopping at CVS
– applied to an additional 3 practicum sites (because after sending out about 5 others, I’ve only received 2 interviews)
– worked at the clinic from 4:45 – 8:30
– read two pathetically boring articles for research methods
– summarized both of those two articles (2 pages each) and submitted them

Tomorrow:
– literature search on alcohol abuse and emotional intelligence and emotion regulation
– finish packing
– drive to NY
– read five interviewing related chapters from my textbook

Thursday-Sunday:
– READ RECREATIONALLY FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE WHILE ACTUALLY RELAXING

Sunday:
– birthday

Monday:
– drive back to Philly
– laundry!
– read 3 research method chapters (assuming my book arrives and my darling neighbors retrieve said package for me)
– outline 3 research method chapters (into one 2-page document!?) and submit it

Tuesday:
– class 10-12:30
– class 2-4:30
– clinic 4:45-8:15

Wednesday:
– take-home portion of research methods midterm
– significant studying of research methods material for online portion of the midterm (on 3/18)

Thursday’s more classes and Friday is the midterm, an interview and hopefully stopping by school to say wassup to Irina. I’d love to take Saturday off, but I get the feeling I might need it to play catchup for next week.

I’m tired. Anyone blame me?

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Easy come, easy go.

I’m mere pages away from being done with my psychopathology reading, but (rather coincidentally) I was interrupted by a FB message that entertained and annoyed me all at once. Here I am, reading about rumination and gender differences (IN FAVOR OF WOMEN, MIND YOU), and Mr. Rumination himself, who has deleted me for the second time in two weeks, feels the need to ask me why I re-friended him after a year or two (or what-the-fuck-ever). The truth, Freakazoid? FB is no big thang to me, as are a majority of my acquaintance-ships. Do I care what’s going on in those peoples’ lives? Sure, to some extent, and hopefully the same extent that they care about mine: enough to drop by every once in a while and go “ooh! I agree with you on that!” or “hey, funny post! hope all is well!”

This is the nature of socialization in the technological age. Sure, not everyone’s life is consumed by readings, tests, classes, clinic, practicums and seminars, but even those people who just go to work, go home, eat dinner and rest in front of the tv until bedtime don’t give a shit about constantly needing to keep up social contacts. Maybe this is the difference between having 30 friends and having 4, but I will never in my entire life have time enough for everybody. I’m just happy the friends I have accept that about me (wave for the blog, Astorians!).

So, basically, I re-friended because my iPhone told me I had 6 bajillion unread messages in my FB inbox and I went through all of them to make the little number icon disappear. In doing so, I came across our old messages and thought, “I’m sure things have changed. I know my life has changed drastically; I’m sure it wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t really handle a friendship. After all, we were pretty good when he was being sated.” In short, it was a stupid mistake, since you need to know the answer to why I got back in contact with you so badly. I made the same stupid mistake I used to make with ex-boyfriends: I focused on the positive and ultimately neglected to remember the negative. According to Gotlib & Hammen, that’s how people obtain the best life satisfaction, by the way, you should give it a go. Anyway, I didn’t think a person could attempt to exercise control from 3,000 miles away and I was unaware expectations for friendship from such a distance could still be maintained. I suppose, at the end of the day, our definition of friendship differs. And that’s fine, so long as we don’t try to be in one, together, at the same time.

Peace out, crazydude. I promise there won’t be another “friending.” Ever.

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