March 27, 2007:

I’ve made a decision in the past week or two that has me completely lost.  I’ve decided to take a leap in blind faith, let go of some parts of my past and trust in the future.  Problem is, I’m scared out of my mind.

Things have never been so healthy, or so logical and relaxing, and I’ve truly never felt better about myself.  I’m … happy.

But I know I can’t really be happy if I don’t get some things completely out of my mind.  So I’ve resolved to.  I mean, it’s not like there was any hope in them anyway, so what should it matter, right?

I will be able to listen to any song on the radio, I will be able to see any car on the road, I will be able to watch any tv show I want, and I will smile at memories, not frown in failure.  ‘Cause if not for that, then not this.  And this is something I just won’t take for granted.

Chris & I are actually going to get the hell out of here for a few days.  We’re considering PA.  Sounds like a damn good plan to me, I just wish I could pack up my DVD player & the rest of Season 4 of Smallville for the trip.

I can’t wait for it.
I can’t wait to go…get this…foodshopping on Monday.
I can’t wait to see the TMNT movie (Monday night, maybe??)
I can’t wait for his next e-mail.
I can’t wait for our conversaion before bed.
I can’t wait for Fridays.

That freaks me out.  Completely.  But I have to do this, at least if I ever want to know if I’m “okay” now.  I hate to make you my guinea pig, Chris, but I don’t think it’ll be as scary as it sounds.  I think you know how to handle me.  And that rules.

So I’ll try to get this silly smile off my face, and start getting more sleep, and reveling in something good instead of looking for the bad.

Consider this a confirmation that, no, I don’t think of things in that temporary a sense anymore.

It’s just time to finish the process, is all.

Shit. Just…shit.


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