Flashback, cold nights.

2011 seems to be the year of new beginnings, fresh starts, and the usual new year resolution excitement. For me, however, it’s been somewhat of a struggle. Couple natural hormone level changes with modifications to bad habits, diet and sleep schedule and you have one cranky bitch. Double it, and you have trouble in paradise. I’m surviving on the notion that there will be some sort of emotional payout or at the very least some form of homeostasis. But something’s gotta give, and soon, ’cause life feels very much like it did in November of ’08, only for different reasons. I have, however, started to shut my mouth to avoid getting snapped at. I don’t like this feeling. I feel meek and helpless and not a little angered by it. But I walk away. Because as long as I can remove myself from the situation, I can stay calm. Always. Almost always.

I bawled my eyes out for an hour yesterday because I don’t know how to make decisions (again). There’s more to this, in my opinion. How can I either be the most controlling psychopath in the world OR not able to decide on what to do, ever? I appear to flip-flop between them, but I don’t recall being so incapable of actual decision-making since high school, when Tony used to very patiently ask me to form opinions on things. As usual, being forced not to have opinions lest you get some spiteful parental response has plenty to do with it, but I also don’t recall having this big of a problem for quite some time.

And I’m being 100% contradictory to myself–I want the freedom to make decisions, but I don’t want to make the actual decisions. What the hell kind of twisted illogical bullshit is that? I mean, really. It’s generally always been fear of response to a decision that has kept me from making them in the past, but that seems so unlikely this time. I guess I could be wrong, though, not realizing that I’m still afraid of that.

I also don’t want things. This might be difficult to understand, despite it being rather cut-and-dry to me. I “could do” just about anything, and there are some things I definitely do not want to do, but most things, I just don’t care either way. And that’s evidently frustrating.

So added to my PMS, shift in sleep habits, smoking cessation attempt, healthy vocal hygiene and better eating habits, is now make more decisions. And yet I still can’t decide what I “want” to do tomorrow. Maybe I’ve just gotten so used to having to do things, I’ve forgotten how to want them? Nah, that still doesn’t affect why I can’t pick a restaurant or choose between accompanying someone to the store or not. I don’t know, but it better get better within the next week or so, or I’m going to smoke a pack of cigarettes while chugging a soda and scarfing on some spicy chicken nuggets at 4 in the morning. You better believe I’d rather be unhealthy than feel this shitty. But I vow to give it time.


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