Date & time: 11/19/10, 4:30 a.m. Found: gunnit. Knew it had to be Jaws related. Would have been a matter of time before I found the r/guns page anyway.
(1) You fuckface, I sent you that picture of the trollface pumpkin. No bother, no one cared. But no more, smartypants. Next time I’ll just post to the internets instead of a chat to you, and you can read it my thread. Maybe you’ll know who I am by then; maybe you’ll comment on one of my posts not knowing.
(2) FWIW, staying off the radar for 5 days was smart.
(3) The gratification of actually finding you was sweet. The result, however, is that I get to read everything you’ve posted. That being said…initiate detective mode. And…GO!
(3a.) If the scotch alone is worth the 3 hour trip, buy yourself a bottle of scotch and save yourself the trip. Jerk. 😉
(3b.) You left Dan’s name in that FB wedding post thing? Jesus Christ, what are you trying to do to the kid?
(3c.) “Note to self: Look up the word ‘semantics.'” was mine. But I’ll give it to you because it was on Psych.
(3d.) I haven’t gotten flowers OR pizza at my job. But I’ll be patient.
(3e.) “Scotch should be consumed at room temperature. This is a non-issue.” This is why I now laugh at you every time you drop an ice cube into a glass of scotch, for the record.
(3f.) I’m sorry, did you say you don’t hang out on askreddit? ‘Cause a vast majority of your posts are there.
(3g.) It’s cute that you make us sound more exciting than we are. “Hot air ballooning”? “Camping”? “Hiking”? We’ve never done any of those things. But I appreciate the context of the post, and I’m glad we’re on the same page on that. So much love, baby.
(3h.) “Seven signs you’re not funny”? I’m never linking you anything ever again.
(3i.) You should tell me that you hate when I say “on a stick” in reference to a jalapeno. Finding out you don’t like Jeff Dunham on the internet is not cool, bro. Not cool.
(3j.) “you must be new here. check out the FAQ.” You’re a jerk, and I should probably hate you on principle.
(3k.) I didn’t know you were a short-order cook. Wait. Were you a short-order cook?
(3l.) “Reddit, name a movie that describes your sex life.” “Jaws.” Well, shark week was kind of fun, wasn’t it?
(3m.) If you ever say “I don’t think that word means what you think it means,” to me, I will punch you in the face without blinking.
(3n.) I will find jawsfan and I will beat her up, even if she’s ugly. (And then you took the picture from the OP and sent it to me?! You’re twisted.)
(3o.) I stopped looking further than 5 months ago, but mostly because I was fiending for a smoke and really sleep deprived (hello 7 a.m…). FWIW, I LOLed at the majority of your non-upvoted one-liners. And I’ll never stop laughing. ❤
For now, though, I’m not saying ‘boo.’ Instead, now I stalk…and eventually, I troll. Then we’ll see if you already knew my name. But not a second sooner.
So…when’s our wedding, bitch? Oh, wait, “IT’S A TRAP!” Or will Aisle just Altar…uh, Pew? Dammit.