How easy (or difficult) is it to combine a (future) profession with a relationship that all but completely contradicts said profession? For either situation to change would lead to the harbor of resentment for at least one party, wouldn’t it? Almost certainly.
I want to be a psychologist. I’ve always wanted to be a psychologist. And lately, with the realization of the long-term implications of becoming one, I have been considering changing my mind. I honestly do not want to spend the next four years avoiding one major area of clinical psychology because I’m afraid of what decisions it will make me make. I have a very observant eye, and I am now aware of some things that have been considerably downplayed in my life to date. Things that will not easily coalesce with my intended future. So what are my choices? (1) change someone else, which I swore never to do again; (2) change my profession, which is starting to look like the easiest option; (3) get over it. Truth be told, I tried option 3, and it’s not going so well. If anything, it’s getting worse, mostly due to the polarity of the situation. There’s a fourth option, and the only other one I’ve considered, but that one hurts too much and seems like a warped defense mechanism. But really, is it? If I don’t want to change jobs (not to mention how resentful that could make me later in life), don’t want to change a person and can’t get over it, what’s left? Why make it more difficult later? But every time I try to pull myself back, away from what I love, I fail. I don’t want to, so why should I have to? Because, that little voice in my head says, it won’t work as it is, best to cut your losses. And people wonder why I drink so much; I drown that stupid voice.
So I obviously think about this. A lot. Sometimes I all but cry myself to sleep over it (I had a bad Friday.) And sometimes it doesn’t bother me (I had a good Saturday). But it’s not going to go away. And my biggest fear? That it is black-and-white.