It’s not reason number 1…

…but it’s a reason.

Not only did I not want to be in a relationship of any kind, but I most certainly didn’t want to be in a long-distance one.

I’m not fucking stupid. I remember how I felt that one weekend Chris didn’t want to drive in the snow to come see me.  I didn’t think it’d be different this time either. And I was about 80% sure it wouldn’t hurt any less.

All of my girly irrational bits are at work, obviously. I can tell by the leaking. Have I mentioned how much I fucking hate leaking?  On top of it all, I’ve had a horrible stomachache for two days straight, which I imagine has nothing to do with the outside world, seeing as I don’t leave my box of an apartment unless I have to, which I generally don’t.

So what do I do when shit gets too heavy and I want to scream, cry or kick something really really really hard? I take daddy’s advice and man up. Really, I just get mad at myself and I use his poor advice to fuel the unhealthy fire, but it usually works, albeit temporarily. So I get mad, I get hard, and I get cold. None of those are things I want to be, but they’re a less severe alternative to pain. Almost anything is.

As always, I’ll calm down later. But for now…IJDGAF. And I hate everything, present circumstances included. The good news is I think about it way less often then I used to. The bad news is, I still wonder if I’d be better off alone.

Edit: I figured out how I managed before. I drank a lot.

Edit 2: For the record, Chris, it had nothing to do with attention, and everything to do with pain. The pain, however, might not have been completely justified. (Just sayin’, ’cause I swore it was about the attention as well, but now I know it wasn’t.)


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