All of the things my wedding will not include.

I’m sure many married women will read this and laugh at me, recalling a time whence they too made such claims. They also might second-guess themselves and how their wedding appeared to other people, but I assure you–I am unique, and no one else is really thinking these things.  I’m also (what some of those once-brides might be thinking as well) an ignorant bitch.  I know nothing of weddings and I come across as a snob.  I assure you, it’s just me being opinionated, and I’ve learned there really isn’t anything wrong with having opinions (the harm comes when people refuse to acknowledge that fact).  Just agree to disagree already.  So please, if you get mad at this post (and, subsequently, me), please know that I apologize in advance, for this is not particular to any one person’s wedding, just an overall observation over the years.

As I rambled on to Kyle last weekend, I was never that girl–you know the one–scribbles in the notebook of who’ll be invited, what her dress will look like, what her bridesmaids will wear and who exactly will be her bridesmaids, the “perfect” venue for both the ceremony and the reception, the proper season, month, day, hour for the “greatest day of her life.”  I’m sure they dream of other wedding-things, but not being one of them, I couldn’t tell you what they are.  Regardless, I didn’t do it, and I still won’t (despite changing my mind about the idea on the whole).  What I want to prepare, instead, is just the opposite.  I want to make sure I jot down all of those things I’d rather not fall prey to if and when that fateful day shall come.  The more I’m aware of them, the more likely I am to avoid them.  Plus, I can look back on this (unless of course the internets die by then-which is totally a possibility considering how very far in the future I’m talking here) as sort of a checklist of DO NOT dos.  So without further ado, things I will attempt to avoid at all costs:

(1.) I will not slather myself in so much makeup people will wonder if they’ve gone to the correct wedding.
This one really kind of hurts my soul.  Every now and again I peruse pictures of peoples’ weddings, and my only cue as to who the bride was is the dress.  If I’ve never had eyelashes that long, or have never done my makeup like that in all of my life, why does it accurately represent me on this day?  And the hair!  Yes, it’s nice to do up your hair all special like…but does it need to be a style no one has ever seen because it’s $600 worth of work?  Sorry, future bridesmaids, your hair won’t be special.  It’ll look like hair, styled as though you or I could have done it in your bathroom.  I just don’t understand all the hype for looking like a movie star (which I’m not) over simple highlighting of natural beauty.  Is it because of those pictures?  Oh, those pictures…

(2.) I haven’t yet made a determination as to what I actually want pictures of, but here’s some things that, upon sight, will cause me to set fire to the entire album (oh, no, I’m dating myself–do people still create wedding albums?):

a. absolutely everything.  If no corner is left unphotographed, start over.  And skip the corners, ’cause I really don’t care what was going on in every inch of the room at every moment of our attendance.  Yes, I got ready.  Sure, you can take a few shots of the prep process.  But get out of my face, ’cause I’m busy.  I know, I know and I get it, it’s for me (and the lucky Mr. Kudla) to decide later what we want to keep and collect into our obviously tangible album, but let’s use some judgment here. The flower girl’s shoes are cute, but not that cute.

b. the napkins, the glasses, the menus, the centerpieces, etc..  They’ll show up, I promise.  They’re background.  And considering the amount of effort I don’t plan on putting into them, the less likely I am to care what they look like ten years later.  “Oh, darling! Do you remember that adorable little cake-topper we had at our wedding?”  “Uh, yeah? So?”  Right.  No point in a discussion here.  Dear future guests, I hope you like them, but I don’t care if you don’t. And if this piece of news surprises you, you’re probably not invited.

(3.) I will not seek, nor do I want, total control the entire time. I don’t throw parties (in case you haven’t noticed), so this one big one–I’m going to have fun at it. I’m not going to worry about anything at all, because whatever happens, happens, and I will make the best of every possible situation. (Someone, or everyone, remind me about this one later in life, would ya?)

That’s all for now, really, and I’m quite glad those are the only things I care about.  As I said, I have no idea of what I do want, in any regard, but these are the few things I find unnecessary and/or repulsive about the weddings I have been to and viewed photograph after photograph of in the past.  Again, personal preference.  Don’t think I didn’t enjoy your wedding if I went to it.  I promise I did, and I promise that mine will have an open bar also.  It just made me realize a few things I didn’t want for myself, and these are them.  If I gather a new list of additional stuff that will make my head explode before I’m joined with someone theoretically until death (with the exception of that fact), then I’ll make a Part II post.  For now, all I know is those things better not happen, or someone (that’s me) is skipping town.



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2 responses to “All of the things my wedding will not include.

  1. Just An Observer

    She’s in the business of misery. Some people never change, once a whore, you’re nothing more, I’m sorry, that will never change. Well, there are a million other girls who do it just like you.
    Looking as innocent as possible to get to who they want and what they like, it’s easy if you do it right.
    When will you get the picture, you’re the past, not the future, I know it’s killing you inside…..

    • Cassandra Thorn

      This is the best thing that could’ve happened; any longer and i wouldn’t have made it. It’s not a war no; it’s not a rapture. I’m just a person, but you can’t take it. The same tricks that, that once fooled me…they won’t get you anywhere. I’m not the same kid from your memory; well now i can fend for myself

      Yeah, the friends who stuck together, we wrote our names in blood;
      but i guess you can’t accept that the change is good. Ignorance is your new best friend.

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