Ew, romance.

Dear Martina McBride & Jim Brickman,

Your song “Valentine” has irked me from the day Liz fell in love with it.  Until today. So thanks, I guess.

XOXO

Once in a while I allow myself to get super-ridiculously-girly-mushy, and right now every word of that stupid song is defining my emotional parts.  Maybe it’s being at the tail end of two weeks, or getting information that melts my heart, but it’s here and it’s true, and I’m not going to shove it aside for the sake of some defense I don’t need anymore.  Please feel free to ignore the lyrics, but if anyone is interested (Kajal?), here they are in a nutshell:

If there were no words, no way to speak — I would still hear you.
If there were no tears, no way to feel inside — I’d still feel for you.
And even if the sun refused to shine; even if romance ran out of rhyme,
you would still have my heart until the end of time.
You’re all I need, my love, my valentine.

All of my life I have been waiting for all you give to me.
You’ve opened my eyes and shown me how to love unselfishly.
I’ve dreamed of this 1,000 times before and in my dreams I couldn’t love you more.
I will give you my heart until the end of time.
You’re all I need, my love, my valentine.
‘Cause all I need is you, my valentine.

So if you’ve cared to read about the beginning of any of my past relationships, I’ve always been looking for something a little unconventional.  Not incredibly askew of the norm, but not the norm.  What I found not only fit the description, but passed the litmus test through perfection.  So I made a decision (the only conscious one thus far–everything else has been intuition), which I realized last night in attachment-lecture (yes, I’m still bitter about it).  Amanda said something about a new attachment that has to be more substantial than the one that created the insecurity in the first place, that it would make all the difference and could be somewhat of a “secure base.”  My mother and I used to call that base a “net,” before I learned anything about attachment (confirming my career choice, I feel).  So I’ve decided to create a new secure base.  Even though I’ve made this conscious decision, it’s still not 100% conscious because I couldn’t do it without my intuition.

That intuition has been a small backbone to all of my past relationships and has always held me back from fully trusting anyone.  I almost believed I was completely trusting in my last relationship, but even though I tried, I still couldn’t and in the end I had good reason.  This time is not like that.  Maybe I’m allowing for too much freedom, giving away too much information (I trust you, so if you fuck up I won’t really know since I’m not checking up), but what is there to any relationship if not trust?  I don’t get upset when we don’t talk for long periods because I think Stefan’s gone and done something behind my back, I simply just miss him.  And if I thought he didn’t miss me, or I thought it didn’t work both ways, I wouldn’t be giving away so much. Again, intuition.  Of course, it’s still a little bit in my nature to question everything, so though it’s more likely to get something past me, it’s still not very likely. Please don’t deem that a challenge.

I read something on Facebook today that was posted by a friend: “I have the man all women dream about!” (We’re not that close anymore, mind you.)  But what I thought as a reaction was something that I hope isn’t as insulting as it sounds.  I tried to think about what “all” women would dream about, and I’m pretty sure I’m not having those dreams.  So I concluded:
I don’t have the man all women dream about; I have the man I dream about. And I think that’s all that matters.

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