Monthly Archives: October 2010

All of the things my wedding will not include.

I’m sure many married women will read this and laugh at me, recalling a time whence they too made such claims. They also might second-guess themselves and how their wedding appeared to other people, but I assure you–I am unique, and no one else is really thinking these things.  I’m also (what some of those once-brides might be thinking as well) an ignorant bitch.  I know nothing of weddings and I come across as a snob.  I assure you, it’s just me being opinionated, and I’ve learned there really isn’t anything wrong with having opinions (the harm comes when people refuse to acknowledge that fact).  Just agree to disagree already.  So please, if you get mad at this post (and, subsequently, me), please know that I apologize in advance, for this is not particular to any one person’s wedding, just an overall observation over the years.

As I rambled on to Kyle last weekend, I was never that girl–you know the one–scribbles in the notebook of who’ll be invited, what her dress will look like, what her bridesmaids will wear and who exactly will be her bridesmaids, the “perfect” venue for both the ceremony and the reception, the proper season, month, day, hour for the “greatest day of her life.”  I’m sure they dream of other wedding-things, but not being one of them, I couldn’t tell you what they are.  Regardless, I didn’t do it, and I still won’t (despite changing my mind about the idea on the whole).  What I want to prepare, instead, is just the opposite.  I want to make sure I jot down all of those things I’d rather not fall prey to if and when that fateful day shall come.  The more I’m aware of them, the more likely I am to avoid them.  Plus, I can look back on this (unless of course the internets die by then-which is totally a possibility considering how very far in the future I’m talking here) as sort of a checklist of DO NOT dos.  So without further ado, things I will attempt to avoid at all costs:

(1.) I will not slather myself in so much makeup people will wonder if they’ve gone to the correct wedding.
This one really kind of hurts my soul.  Every now and again I peruse pictures of peoples’ weddings, and my only cue as to who the bride was is the dress.  If I’ve never had eyelashes that long, or have never done my makeup like that in all of my life, why does it accurately represent me on this day?  And the hair!  Yes, it’s nice to do up your hair all special like…but does it need to be a style no one has ever seen because it’s $600 worth of work?  Sorry, future bridesmaids, your hair won’t be special.  It’ll look like hair, styled as though you or I could have done it in your bathroom.  I just don’t understand all the hype for looking like a movie star (which I’m not) over simple highlighting of natural beauty.  Is it because of those pictures?  Oh, those pictures…

(2.) I haven’t yet made a determination as to what I actually want pictures of, but here’s some things that, upon sight, will cause me to set fire to the entire album (oh, no, I’m dating myself–do people still create wedding albums?):

a. absolutely everything.  If no corner is left unphotographed, start over.  And skip the corners, ’cause I really don’t care what was going on in every inch of the room at every moment of our attendance.  Yes, I got ready.  Sure, you can take a few shots of the prep process.  But get out of my face, ’cause I’m busy.  I know, I know and I get it, it’s for me (and the lucky Mr. Kudla) to decide later what we want to keep and collect into our obviously tangible album, but let’s use some judgment here. The flower girl’s shoes are cute, but not that cute.

b. the napkins, the glasses, the menus, the centerpieces, etc..  They’ll show up, I promise.  They’re background.  And considering the amount of effort I don’t plan on putting into them, the less likely I am to care what they look like ten years later.  “Oh, darling! Do you remember that adorable little cake-topper we had at our wedding?”  “Uh, yeah? So?”  Right.  No point in a discussion here.  Dear future guests, I hope you like them, but I don’t care if you don’t. And if this piece of news surprises you, you’re probably not invited.

(3.) I will not seek, nor do I want, total control the entire time. I don’t throw parties (in case you haven’t noticed), so this one big one–I’m going to have fun at it. I’m not going to worry about anything at all, because whatever happens, happens, and I will make the best of every possible situation. (Someone, or everyone, remind me about this one later in life, would ya?)

That’s all for now, really, and I’m quite glad those are the only things I care about.  As I said, I have no idea of what I do want, in any regard, but these are the few things I find unnecessary and/or repulsive about the weddings I have been to and viewed photograph after photograph of in the past.  Again, personal preference.  Don’t think I didn’t enjoy your wedding if I went to it.  I promise I did, and I promise that mine will have an open bar also.  It just made me realize a few things I didn’t want for myself, and these are them.  If I gather a new list of additional stuff that will make my head explode before I’m joined with someone theoretically until death (with the exception of that fact), then I’ll make a Part II post.  For now, all I know is those things better not happen, or someone (that’s me) is skipping town.

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Long days.

I had a long, cray cray (as Nikki would say) day today…and no one to really share it with.  Would it be different if I lived in Lindenhurst?  No, probably not.  So instead, today, I just vent.  I tell the interweb world that I had two presentations, one of which I was randomly selected to go first.  Sure, I think I did well on both; I’ve started to have faith in myself as a speaker.  As a confident, independent person, though…that’s a different story.  Tuesdays suck, and today is just another one where I want to throw in the towel and cut off ties to everything except school.  Mostly only on Tuesdays, except one.  Two days ago, I was running home.  Today, I’m running away from it.

And so I bid you, internet world, a good night, because I will likely lay here another hour and get all of three hours of sleep before dragging myself to a clinic meeting at 8:30 in the morning.  (This also means I probably won’t go to the gym with Christina either, since I’ll much rather come home and sleep, which I have no problems doing when it’s light outside.)  *Sigh.*  Roller-coaster of life, go screw yourself.

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Why I am awake right now.

This isn’t a very exciting post, but someone wrote on a colleague’s FB wall asking why we were all still up.  Here’s why I am:

(1) I slacked on a lot of homework this weekend, and have 1 day to catch up writing a WAIS-IV report, reading all of my cognition articles/chapters & writing up an outline, and preparing a 5-min talk on Letters of Recommendation for grad school (thanks to Greg for asking me about it completely independent of knowing I need to prep for it). But I also have 4 hours of clinic duty on said day.

(2) I took a nap.  When I got home from NY at 5:00, I chatted on the internet for a little bit, unpacked (and realized I left a bag of laundry at Stefan’s–how disgusting), and wrote a few lines in my mini-journal.  Then I passed out for two hours with a laptop on my abdomen the entire time (I’m very talented, you know).

(3) I have a difficult time sleeping, which is often exacerbated upon departing from Stefan.  I know I’ll see him in 5 days (though he’d somehow rationalize it to 2–“it’s already Monday, and Tuesday doesn’t count, so we only really have to get through Wednesday & Thursday, ’cause I’ll see you Friday”), but the first couple are really hard to spend alone, especially after three full nights of the way we sleep together. (I’m a jumble of elated and saddened all at the same time after writing that last sentence.) Here iz illustrashun:

Greatest feeling in the world.

(4) I don’t have to be “up and at them” until noon tomorrow.  I have clinic at 1:45, and I’m not often very productive before I have anywhere I need to be.

(5-and probably most importantly) I am always up at this hour.  There was a week or so where I decided (and somehow managed) to sleep at like 11:00 at night every night.  Maybe I was doing some sort of catch-up sleeping from the week prior, ’cause that was a full-fledged anomaly.  Unless I have to be up early (as will be the case on Wednesday & Thursday), I am often up until near 4 a.m.  Sometimes needing to get up early doesn’t even influence that 4 a.m. bedtime.

Though something tells me this will change with the new year (::cough–and Stefan’s new work schedule::)…

Sleep tight, kiddies.  I will too…in an hour or two. 😉

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“Turn around…”

“…every now & then I fall apart.”

The good news is I’m in way less of a cranky-ass PMS mood as I was 12 hours ago.  I definitely didn’t have an emotional breakdown, but I was upset for a bit.  I slept it off though, thankfully.  I just laid down next to Stefan and my eyes were closed within ten minutes. Sleeping next to him definitely helped the mood (being cold most of the night, not as helpful).  Waking up next to him is even better.  Today, I’m tired, but I’ll probably nap, shower and get a little work done. Taking three days off (Thursday, Friday, Saturday) isn’t a really great idea, but my brain and body need a break, so I’m giving them one.  I don’t have my sample WAIS-IV report yet, so I can’t really write that until after I receive it, and I don’t want to read all of my developmental articles now, in case I need a way to keep myself busy for a bit later (watching other people play video games is not my idea of a fun time), so other than that all that’s left for the weekend is preparing for my cog midterm.  The way it went down, as determined in class yesterday, was that the class eliminated a bunch of questions, but still about a dozen remain.  So we have to study and study and study the outlines that the class created for those dozen questions, and then about 5 will be on the midterm (of which we pick two to write up).  An “essay” is about a front and back handwritten piece of legal paper.  She likes details and throwing in names of researchers who produced articles.  Studying will be a feat unto itself; passing will be miraculous.

 

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Bad timing.

So far this entire “break” is nothing but unfortunate events and bad timing. Now its 3 a.m. and I’m in one of those weird flee as fast as you can moods. I sort of want to be wrapped in jeans and a sweatshirt, sitting on a beach somewhere pondering the meaning of life. I mean, I’m metacognizant enough to know why (see: post about finding my new feel-good movie), but I’m not yet good enough to turn it around myself. I truly dislike this state that I slip into. I’m stubborn and I’m defiant and I don’t want for anything, except the above mentioned scene complete with a pack of smokes and a bottle of…anything. No,  nothing’s wrong. Or maybe everything’s wrong. So what do I do now? Acknowledge it, “own” it, and wait for it to go away. I wish ‘hate it’ was in that list, ’cause I think I’ve got that part down to a science. Here’s to containing myself to the point where I don’t have a girly emotional meltdown. Good night.

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Something thoughtful.

I want to have something thoughtful to say, because my last few posts have been blurbs of random things, and that’s not particularly what I like to go back to read (though the variety is nice).  I’m in a rather odd mood today though – I have been feeling slightly under the weather since I got home from school around 8:30, and my 99.0 temperature isn’t much by the way of fevers.  It’s now almost 2:30 in the morning, I have class at 9:30 and despite the fact that I didn’t nap, I don’t necessarily feel like sleeping (but I will post-posting).  I’m headed home tomorrow, but I always get a little stressed out the day before I go home.  I think it’s the pile of books I gather that represents the amount of work that needs to get done in the five days I’ll be back in NY. It’s a little daunting to think about: an entire WAIS-IV writeup based on little to no actual knowledge of the interpretations of the test (thus requiring I read a ton of the Essentials of WAIS-IV book), a stack of articles for Developmental Psych (and the requirement of posing a thoughtful question integrating the reading and my life experiences or interests), and then prep for a midterm in Cog Psych.  That…is the big giant scary looming task.  I won’t know specifically what I’ll be working with (I’ll find out tomorrow in class), but word on the street is that I have to prep six essays, two of which will be on the midterm (in addition to multiple choice questions which I will also need to study for).  So I have five days home, at least two of which the majority will be spent with Stefan, and once again I don’t have time for…anything.  I was asked not to go into the office to train (I guess my consultant fee was dissuasion enough), which frees up some time I was incredibly stressed over, but will the remainder be enough?  How will I be able to truly focus at my mom’s?  When I go upstairs to my old room, I just fall asleep, comforted by the life I used to live there and the safety of ‘home.’  (I used to always fall asleep at my grandmother’s house too, and for a short while there my dad’s as well.  Contrary to popular belief, I was comfortable there. I don’t actually have narcolepsy.) I suppose I prevail regardless of worry; I’ve never failed me before.  Tearing myself away to come back to Philadelphia on Tuesday is going to be next to impossible though; I know it.  Leaving only Wednesday to prepare for a 9:30 exam on Thursday is just not good planning though, so I’m going to have to step up my game best I can.  I’m where I am because I want to be there, and I want to do well, and I want to learn.  I just didn’t think I’d have to learn some of these mundane concepts or have to regurgitate them to get to the good stuff. Good lord, I hope there’s good stuff.

On an aside, I started “following” one of my exes on Twitter. I already follow the other one; he doesn’t care or he’d follow me back. Whatever. So I started following him because…well, there really are no hard feelings, and regardless of how miserably we failed at being together, he was still a huge part of my life.  I’m sorry he had to be the guinea pig to my psychotic behavior, but I’m glad it dissipated in the end.  And I maintain, “You said I know that this will hurt. But if I don’t break your heart, things will just get worse.  If the burden seems to much to bear, remember: the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.”  And it has.

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Quote it forward.

“If you hate your parents, the man or the establishment, don’t show them up by getting wasted and wrapping your car around a tree. If you really want to rebel against your parents, outearn them, outlive them, and know more than they do.”

Nikki posted this on her blog (as quoted by Henry Rollins) with the sentiment that someone understood.  Just so you know, dude, so do I.  I don’t hate my mom, and I would never advance my life to show her up, but my dad…whole ‘nother story.  Remind me to show you his response to the blog post I took down (in shame), but keep considering re-posting.

“Success is the best revenge.”

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