8/13/08

Please let this girl, this life, these problems be gone forever.  This was saved in my Google Docs, and was only ever shared with 2 people.  I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I ever even had to write these words.  But I’m deleting my Google Docs, and need a place to store this.  So here it be.  The bad days in a crappy relationship a mere two years ago (seems like eons, thankfully)…

I say “I’ve never not waited to eat with you” hoping he’ll understand. But what do I think he hears? “I need to have a problem and/or control, and you screwed up and should be sorry.” I get it — it’s inconsequential. There must be something deeper then. So far tonight, in my head, I’ve pined over the eating thing, my utter inactivity in the kitchen, the unimportance/lack of response to either of the “making plans” emails, and to top it off, I’m not really in the mood to watch him stare at his computer all evening, which he’s done since he’s gotten home.

He says he’d miss me; he’s said he’d be miserable without me, but I wonder how true that is. From his lack of communication all I can gather is that were I not around, life would go on pretty normally for him. He says I need control over everything, but at the end of the day, I am the one with everything to lose. My life changes dramatically with the absence of Chris. What changes for him? He gets more space, money & time.

I don’t know how long I can live in the dark. I don’t know how to fix our gigantic communication problem. I want my safety back. I want my desire to live happily together forever back…but those were seemingly slapped out of me. Literally.

I want to stop feeling helpless & hopeless. I want my dignity back, most of all. With each passing day, muscles ache less, bruises fade and my memory of Saturday isn’t as strong. But that whole ordeal is just plain unresolved. My words don’t come out right, ever. I doubt paper would even change that.

I’m dying of ignorance. What are the things Chris appreciates? What are things that piss him off? Hurt him? Make him insecure? Make him feel honest-to-goodness love and honest-to-goodness hate? I can honestly say I don’t know, and if that’s the way I have to live my life, I have to choose not to.

There is quite obviously a power struggle problem in this relationship. I feel as though I have little, living in Chris’s apartment, playing by Chris’s apartment rules, doing things socially that Chris doesn’t necessarily want to do, but wouldn’t say otherwise.

On the other hand, he sees me as having all of this demanding control, but I’d like to know where and over what. The blinds? The dishes? I rarely touch either (anymore). How am I supposed to know anything? All I can do is conjecture what I think he might think, and then he tells me I don’t know him at all. Well how am I supposed to know someone that never explains who they are?

This entire thing sounds like nothing but one big complaint, which, in a way, it is. It’s my first (and lamest, by the way) attempt at some form of anger management. I know the first thing I probably should be doing is talking to Chris, but that would only come across as me being negative, controlling and needing to have a problem. Sadly, that’s not true. The truth? The problem(s) never actually went away. So what option do I have other than shut my mouth, spread a grin, and pretend nothing was ever wrong to begin with? Of course, this is the reason things escalate to where they eventually do. I fear bringing things up, nothing ever gets addressed (properly) and instead all of the underlying emotions come out in a fit of crying/anger/rage.

Yes, I need to lighten up. I need to pick my battles. I need to beat my insecurity into submission. I need to know when enough is enough. I need to gain some independence.

I am far from perfect. But I am no worse than he, only in another form; another extreme.

Dear God, I want more than anything for this to go well. For me to feel like we live in an apartment together, for there to be open communication and fair shares of control and affection and respect, for the theme of the relationship to be “happy” and not “fixer-upper.” I used to think I had to work alone, fix myself to fix it all, but that’s not really the case. I am not nearly the sole responsibility for what goes wrong here. I am half. And I can’t bring my half down to next to nothing at all without knowing it’s a two-way street, worth the trip. Sure, I come out a better person in the end, but I just can’t go through it all alone. And just when I think Chris is right there with me, I find out he thinks all of these bad things about me, and I slip right back to where I started, if not farther back.

Well, all my “anger management” did was create confusion, frustration and even more helplessness.

We might as well be strangers. I’ve thought about treating this apartment like a roommate situation. Like a do-over with Liz and Laura. But I don’t want to. I dunno, I just feel so…lonely.

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