Tromping Through Woods on a Rainy Evening

When someone says to me, “want to go hiking in there?” regardless of time of day (or night, like, say…1:30 a.m.), I generally tend to say yes.  Which is exactly how I wound up doing cartwheels in an open field, attempting (and failing) to catch lightning bugs/fireflies, laying on the roof of a lean-to, and destroying a very cheap pair of flip-flops this fine evening.  But every second was worth it, and I wanted to take the long trails back, get lost a few times, and maybe have to wind up sleeping out in the middle of nowhere.  I personally would have loved a little more lightning/thunder and rain, but what we got wasn’t wholly disappointing either.

I love that there are some emotions I have a certain level of control over, and some that I don’t.  When I felt scared out in the dark, after walking through trails I had convinced myself I could not find my way home through, I just changed what thoughts ran through my head, distracting myself. And, oddly enough, I trusted RJS (::wink::)…the type of person who would easily leave me out in the woods alone for a little while just to scare the fuck out of me.  Basically, if I had known him in high school, I’d absolutely loathe him.  But instead, I’m drawn to him, something I have a lot less control over.  Really, there should be little reason; we’re quite very different people, but I guess that doesn’t matter much to me right now.

I’m still working on this emotion-control thing (my former social worker, Lisa, says I have to “own” the type of emotions I want to experience), so the most prominent one right now is optimism (and more distraction, to be honest).  Instead of thinking – at all, really – I instead stop and enjoy myself.  Because pessimism is what has destroyed everything in my life that has ever gone to shit.  Instead, I’ll think about my “rape whistle” and the circumstances surrounding the moment in which I found myself holding it in my hands, beaming uncontrollably.  The down side?  I’m not nearly as open as I have ever been or could be.  I feel as though that can get annoying, or, at the very least, frustrating.  I’m countering that notion with the idea that it will change, in time, much like everything else I’ve believed over the past few months.

So here it goes again.  The same, but different. ❤

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