Much more entertaining in the movie, but it was a thought that ran through my head today as I took a biking respite at Fireman’s Park. It was here, while mesmerized by the glare of the sun rippling through the light motion of the water, that I decided what I was doing to myself was unfair.
The specifics of it are unnecessary, but for all of 4 minutes and 19 seconds, or the amount of time it takes to get through OK Go’s “Shortly Before the End,” I did a smidgen of soul-searching. My soul keeps itself hidden fairly well, but with all of the conversations I’ve been having with my mother lately about what I want, and what I used to want (and the remarkable discrepancy between the two), answers are (quite fortunately) finding their way to me. I mean, sure, some of them are so blatantly obvious that they’re impossible to follow-through. It’s like saying, “I don’t get enough sleep.” “So sleep more.” Yeah, sure, sounds like an awesome plan, but how do you just jump right into it? SO much easier said than done, right? Well, much like everything else, it’s a work in progress. But progress is progress is progress, and I have made some.
Some notes about me I’ve recently come to learn:
1. I will never ask anyone to do anything with me, ever. This includes the hex I just recently put on the Queens peeps to come to my house in July. Never mind. I mean, yes, you’re all still invited, but no, none of you have to go lest I be incredibly mad at you. Disappointed–maybe slightly, but that shit goes away almost immediately (trust me; three beers and I’ll think you had already been there & gone). Basically, Im’a do what I want to do. And anyone that wants to join me is welcome. Anyone that feels obligated is not.
2. I’m so afraid of boredom, I don’t allow for any. I pack a schedule that doesn’t allow time for much of anything because when the time rolls around that nothing is planned and nothing is going on, I feel empty. I don’t know how to seek people out, but that makes me exceptionally good at telling people ‘no’ (creatively, some might say) because I already have 30 million things to do that day/week/month. This isn’t the worst thing in the world, but I don’t particularly want to miss out on something great because I was “too busy.” This goes for people, experiences, and the like.
3. I don’t generally want to talk about who said what and how the latest pair of shoes is trending. I want to talk about why that person said that, and what the fuck Arizona thinks it’s doing, and why we have BAJILLIONS OF OIL poisoning all kinds of wildlife that will very quickly directly affect us…and why no one seems to want to talk about that part. But sadly, I do not know how to socially transition to topics like that.
4. “In time we hate that which we often fear.” -William Shakespeare This is true. I am beginning to hate the things I fear. And seeing that I do not like to hate things, instead I will try to seek out courage, and face those fears.
And now, an hour later than I had intended, I bid thee a good night. ❤