Monthly Archives: May 2010

Take my ex, have his baby, and drop me in fear…but leave my friends alone.

Personally, I think I’ve handled the original Stupid Whore rather well.  When she “dropped” me from all social networking sites without so much as a word on why, I was confused, but I really shouldn’t have been surprised; this has been Liz-like behavior for as long as I’d known her.  So when word wound its way to me that she was preggers…with my ex-boyfriend’s baby, the rationale for disappearing from my life came with it.  For a little while, I was upset, but never murderous or completely angry or anything.  I mean, shit, this is how it played out for them (and me).  Did I have control over any of it?  No.  So why bother getting bent out of shape about it? And not for nothing, but she always wanted a baby, so if that’s what makes her happy…I just hope it makes him happy as well, ’cause I’m not sure anyone is capable of being happy and around that girl for extended periods of time.

Am I the type of person to flip out and hold a grudge?  I certainly don’t think so.  Don’t confuse me with Linda in the past though, ’cause she was a total bitchface.  But this Linda lets well enough alone.  The less stress, the better quality of life.

So why now — a good year or so later — why does she now have to stick her Facebook nose in everything that happens in our mutual friends’ lives, when she originally disappeared from the Facebook community she was never really a part of in the first place?  I’ve already decided to “de-friend” a handful of people that were more her friend than mine, moreso now that she’s got a baby.  Ohhhhhhh wait, now I get it — she’s a big Facebooker now because she has a baby.  That makes sense.  The insecure, pathological liar is showing off.  HAHAHAHAHA, okay.  Great, so show your shit off if that makes you happy, but then leave the people I actually like, alone.

I have two friends in particular, both of whom I went to elementary school with, that I really like.  One of them actually lives two blocks from me (well, until August).  I really don’t want to lose these girls as friends, but I’m also not a huge fan of her pretending she’s their friend.  It’s bad enough that magically and mysteriously after knowing them for years, two of her ex-boyfriends have contacted me. (I’m not even 100% certain it’s actually them; I wouldn’t put it past the sneaky bitch to log onto their account(s), friend me, check out my page and then de-friend me before they actually knew she was on it.  I say this because she told me that she used to have all of their passwords, though being a pathological liar, who can tell what was true and what wasn’t.)

This is the same girl that I recently found a note on, written to me in high school by her best friend at the time.  The note listed several stories that had been told to her by our wonderfully screwed up mutual friend, many of which (and potentially all of which) were not true.  She had claimed that she was adopted by her parents and her true parents were her aunt and uncle, that some fictitious person was the guy she lost her virginity to, that she went around with a gun at some point (as well as other tales) — yeah, she could have benefited from some therapy earlier on in life.

As I also could have, though, because no matter how many times she hurt me or screwed me over, I came back.  (“She hits me because she loves me!”)  And look at that — I introduced her to the man of her dreams as well.  YOU’RE WELCOME! As a thank you, why don’t you leave Leslie and Christine for me.  That’d be a nice gesture after all that you’ve done to me.  To date, I have not gotten involved in any of her ex-boyfriends (I guess its a respect thing) despite their messages and friend requests, I have not wished ill on either her, her mans or her baby, and I haven’t bashed her.  But today, I’m tired.  I know how cunning and nasty and spiteful that girl can be, and I just want her to go away now.

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I can’t sleep.

Someone entertain me.  Massive Attack isn’t doing it for me.  I’m in an incredibly weird mood.  Maybe it’s because I had an amazing political conversation with someone who thinks the way I do (it helps not having entirely opposing views).  Maybe it’s because I had too many mojitos.  Maybe it’s because I was at a friend’s (second) wedding.  Maybe I just need a few minutes.

To be honest, I’m sick of dreaming about being vulnerable and waking up scared.  Failing that, I’m sick of dreaming about the family that doesn’t want me.  Failing that, I’m sick of dreaming of the notion of my ex-boyfriend.  It’s not even him anymore that incorporates himself into my dreams, it’s this idea that he’s somewhere, not in the flesh.  So the only three things in my life that I hate officially haunt my dreams. No wonder I fall asleep with my laptop in my lap–I don’t want to spend a single second alone with my own mind.  Sometimes I wish I were the Linda I used to be, insecurely finding a warm body to sleep next to just to have some sort of comfort.  Unfortunately (or is it fortunately?), I have more self-respect than that, and an even greater desire for happiness.

I guess I have to face the dreams, then.  How much is dream therapy out of pocket?  (Freud would have a goddamn field day with me, contrary to my feelings for him.)

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A few reflections.

Stuff I’ve archived as “to blog” in my mini-journal thing:

(1)Whole Foods.  Fucking awesome.  I now have a slight addiction to the health food store.  The good news is that I now have a tendency to eat more organic, healthier foods (especially snacks).  The bad news is it’s draining my bank account.  Maybe the market for organic and natural foods will start to get a little more varied and a little less expensive with competition by the expanding chain.  I sure hope so.

(2)New NYS license plates.  They’re new, but they’re…old school!  We used to have the old orange-and-blues hanging up in the basement and I just thought they looked so retro.  Now retro is in, and the DMV can make even more money by requiring everyone get the new style plates upon registration renewal–everybody wins!  (Even the banks, who get the interest rate on the loans we have to take out to afford it all!)

(3)WoW at the Wang.  I don’t know why I was surprised to see some guy playing WoW in the comfy armchairs in the Wang Center.  I mean, I’m not really that good of a WoW-er, but I’m level 80 and I know what I overheard Chris talk about, so I automatically felt like he & I were bonded.  I almost called out over my shoulder, “79 Undead Shadow Priest!” but I resisted the urge in case he had questions about instances I haven’t done because I’m still a chicken shit in game.  WTF is that about, anyway?!

(4) La Salle Cohort.  Much love to my future colleague, Philip Fizur, for creating a Facebook group for our new Fall 2010 La Salle Psy.D. students.  There are, from what I understand, 26 of us in total.  23 of us are on Facebook, and now we’re all “friends.”  I just hope this doesn’t get awkward when we discover who we actually like and dislike among one another.  I mean, will there be any drama if and when people get deleted from friends’ lists, or will we all just keep each other on our lists because we’re too polite not to?

(5) Being a T.A. celebrity.  I’m kind of sorry to see this semester end.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that I’m graduating…I just…have to let go of everything I’d finally gotten familiar with.  Being a T.A. was also amazing, and I wish I had done it sooner so I could have also done it a second time.  I was sitting outside of the psychology building one day, eating a salad for lunch, when another student approached me, “I’m so sorry to bother you during your lunch, but you’re a T.A. in PSY359, right?”  I confirmed, and then he asked about our review sessions for the final quiz.  When I told him there would also be one an hour before the test, he asked, “that’s the one you do, right?”  and I nodded.  Not only did he know that I was a T.A., but he knew when my review session was and almost seemed to prefer it.  Granted, I’m not the only one who does the review, and I answer questions more than I re-teach the material, but it was just amazing to be known by someone I didn’t already know.  And I have to assume…he’s not the only one.  There are 200 people in that class; others know me without having any idea who I am.

(6) Conquering poop, piss and puke in child care.  I didn’t think it would be as easy as it turned out to be.  When we went over “toileting accidents and vomit” in seminar, I thought, “oh, hell no.”  But when the going got tough, I found myself post-scenario without having thought about the event the entire time.  It was more that I had to be straight-faced for the kids.  My reacting poorly to something rather inconsequential wouldn’t be good for them.  So when Ian pooped himself, Yassna and Isabella puked on the tire swing, and Maurice peed at the “office” table, I jumped right in the game and took care of everything/one.  I guess it’s like one small step in childcare, but one giant leap for Linda.

(7) Rob Johnson Sr.*  I’d just like to include how awesome I find it that the boy I had a crush on for several years in high school (who didn’t know my name, mind you), currently thinks I’m interesting.  I feel like for anyone else that’s almost an insult, but for me it’s flattering.  I don’t want to be just another pretty face, or another dork brain; I want to stand out. And I guess I do, on Facebook at least.  Sometimes I think being an awkward nobody in high school was good for me; now that I know who I am, I’m a much more confident person who, by contrast, stands out. (Hey, look how that worked out there.)

*This was his code name in high school so that no one would know who we were talking about when I swooned to my bff.  Not to mention, his sister was in our grade and was rather popular, so we had to keep extra quiet.  It worked, apparently.  He had no idea who I was. Heh.

And as an aside, I dated Rob Johnson, Jr.  (Tony, consider yourself lucky to be my second secret crush.)

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“Spread my work ethic, not my wealth.”

I read this on a bumper sticker the other day, and it made me stop and think.  Sure, it would be a wonderful thing if that were possible, but work ethic isn’t something produced that can be distributed.  I’m sure the sticker wasn’t meant to be literal, and was designed just to get a general idea across, but for me, it failed (or it succeeded and I’m pissed). I give up on this battle, really.  Are the elderly, the disabled, the veterans, many of whom likely had a dedicated work ethic, supposed to simply overlook their shortcomings and succeed merely on their work ethic?  Suck my dick, seriously.  And not for nothing, but if that’s your attitude, how can I be sure your work ethic isn’t “work work work to get get get” ’cause that’s the impression I receive from something like that.  “I want to keep everything I worked for. Screw the little guys.  I need big things.  More money? Okay, BIGGER things.  Yeah, four fucking houses, one in the Caribbean.”

Y’know what, world?  I have every intention of making good money someday when I’ve gone through my 9200 years of schooling and then spent the decade following paying back all of my incredible outstanding debt.  Regardless, I wouldn’t be caught dead saying something as pretentious and selfish as that.  I’ll have enough money to live well, but some people need some of that too, ’cause they can’t go out and make their own.  Shit, I’m a Communist, aren’t I?  Yeah, no.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a huge advocate of the unemployment process in this country.  I actually think we handout way too much.  However, I don’t think it’s something that should be abolished altogether.  Anyone can lose their job, for any reason, a shitty economy being atop the list.  But to be perfectly honest, I wish people with egotistical bumper stickers like that to lose their job and be at the mercy of the “system.”  Is your work ethic going to save you now?  No, the pooled money for the benefit of the entire commonwealth is.

I guess it depends on what you’re advocating with a bumper sticker like that.  I can’t imagine it being for something other than what I’ve taken away from it, but sometimes I jump to conclusions, and this could easily be one of those times.  But seriously–let’s stick to the basics, people:  “Gobama!”  “McCain’s the way!”  “Vote Romney!”  I don’t give a shit who you’re voting for, and you can let me know all you want.  However, I care when you start to display your ignorance all over the place.  I hope you lose your job, bumper sticker douchebag.

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