Monthly Archives: January 2010

I *should* be doing something productive right now…

…but instead I’m writing about how tired I am.

Day 2 was a little less hectic than Day 1.  I started at the child care center at 9:30 and played with/yelled at/cleaned up after a group of 3-5 year olds until 12:30.  From there I paid off my parking violation from the winter session (who knew that lot wasn’t open during off-session?  Certainly not me!) and headed to Commack for a 2-7:30 shift.   Looking for something to spend a half an hour reading to calm my mind, I realized I wasn’t in possession of my February book club book.  When I checked out the Lindenhurst Memorial Library website, it stated that the library would be open until 9…so yeah, I went.  But my library card had expired in 11/09 so I had to get a new, with-the-times, high-tech, snazzy card, which has my picture on it.  When I was offered the keychain card at no charge, I just couldn’t say no.  So now my dorky library card sits with my accounts to CVS, Bob’s Stores, Petco, and every supermarket in the Tri-State area.  But I digress.  When I returned home I was so exhausted from Day 1 + Day 2 that I passed out by 10, having read all of four pages of the book.

Day 3 only slightly kicked my butt.  I took notes in the class I’m T.A.-ing from 9:30-10:30 and then met up with some of the other T.A.s to discuss our T.A. duties and the ever-popular “how to use the big commercial copy machine.”  I ran straight from there to work at 11, where I stayed busy until the boss’s daughter grabbed me by the heart and got me to play with her for an hour and a half (time I should have been reading my new 770 paged library book).  I ran back to school at 5:30 for a post-test training meeting, wherein I learned how to walk participants of a sleep deprivation study through the second half of their testing.  And by “learned how” I mean “went through the tests myself” to get a full picture of how it’s all done.

I think that ended somewhere near 7:30, so I grabbed a cup or two of pasta salad from school and headed home.  I spent that night from 9-10:30 watching the President address Congress, which was a waste of an hour and a half because it was mostly redundant Obama-speak.  At 10:30 I filled out and drew up an essay for an application to Adelphi’s M.A. program in Mental Health Counseling in the fall.  I also put together a list of all of my former addresses, which will be required by the State of NY because I’m working with children…not that I didn’t fill out the exact same form three weeks ago for the Office of Mental Health when I attended orientation for South Oaks.  Oh well, at least it’s now saved as a Word doc!

By the time I was done with all of the above, I lay down to read some of the aformntioned book club book, Drood, but I fell asleep a few more pages in.  From what I can tell though, I like Dan Simmons’ style.  He writes somewhat similar to how I write (throwing in little parenthetical side notes entirely too often).  For many I can only imagine that gets annoying, but for me–attention-grabbing!  Now if I could only read it without exhaustion overtaking me!

Today seemed like another wuzzle (CTBS Test Word!!!!  “wuzzle” means “to mix” for those of you that don’t remember the example that was drilled into our heads at that tender age) of a thousand different things.  I played with the kiddies again from 9:30-12:30, and let me tell you that is draining.  I like it–even the handfuls are unique and special kids–but I’m amazed at how unprepared my body was for this experience.  At 12:30 I raced over to campus to find out that the post office is only open on M/W/F, the Parking Services Department has nothing to do with meters eating peoples’ money (you have to call a number to file a complaint to be ignored for that), and the University Counseling Center probably can’t accommodate my horrendous limited availability schedule, but will try.  I do, however, get 10 sessions of mental health counseling, which I am more than happy to take if they can squeeze me in every other week.  I’d welcome as much support as possible, especially considering it doesn’t particularly feel like my family is there for me.

Soooooo after all of that, I went to the Commack office to turn off for 30 minutes before having to jump into work mode for five and a half hours.  Today everyone decided to tell me their insurance had changed (on 1/1/10, mind you) and I also have five evaluations over the next three days that the office is completely unprepared for.  I blame the system for this one, though.  The “new evaluation” system is utter shit at my job.  If I had any time at all to spend on it, I would try to come up with a better system.  But alas–they are doomed to repeat unnecessary mistakes.

So after I took a beating at work, I came home to bills in the mail, a pile of laundry and a dirty litterbox.  I started the laundry and had some soup, at least, but now I’ve still a few items left on the to-do list that I have very little energy to do.  But I must, because the week doesn’t end here.  Thursday is my new Wednesday.  Tomorrow I have class, work, kiddie time and a night of homework, then Saturday will be the first day of volunteer work in the therapeutic rehabilitation department at South Oaks Hospital.  When I get home from that, I have to pack up and head to my father’s, play with my little brother, do more homework, and then get up in time for 12pm book club.  I’ll get back to my comfy, cozy room around 4pm on Sunday, at which point I will have to write a 5-6 page essay for class on Monday.

See what I mean? T.I.R.E.D.


Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

The first day of my last semester.

Not forever, ’cause lord knows graduate school is in my future, but as of May 21, 2010 I will be saying “bye-bye” to good ol’ SBU.  Today marked the first day of the end, and boy was it…long.

I started out pretty good, early and awake, ready to go, until on my drive in I realized I had absolutely no idea where the class I was teacher assisting was going to be held.  I called the school and they told me to check my SOLAR account.  I said I couldn’t, so they transferred me to the psychology department where I got someone’s voicemail.  Fortunately, I had Macky on me, so I figured I could just get to school a few minutes early, as I was, look it up, and be on my merry way.  BUT…Macky doesn’t have the Airnet SBU Internet Client on it, and since I’m Mac-incompetent, I couldn’t figure it out in the fifteen minutes I had to determine where I was going.  Knowing I had access to an unsecured network in the Psych A building, I went there…   …only to find out I couldn’t connect to it for some reason still undetermined (I logged onto it later in the day).  So I went downstairs of the Psych A building and wandered around until I found the Department Administrator’s office (I was on my way to the Department Advisor’s office, just because I knew where that was).  Within twenty seconds, she told me where the class could be found (back in the building I started in, by the way).

So it turns out one of my T.A.s from last semester is doing it again, and I recognized her (and she I) right away.  She introduced me to another T.A. who introduced me to another and now at least 5 of the 7 of us UGTAs are buds.  I asked Ms. Senior UGTA what we had to do and she said just take notes (done from last semester–I just highlight what she goes over), proctor exams, answer questions and hold review sessions.  No office hours, no hard work.  Just those few things and BAM! 3 credits achieved.  w00t.

From there I went to work for a few hours, but then came back to school for research meetings.  The 3:30 meeting allowed myself and another Research Assistant to go over our coding and firm up our reliability.  We worked fairly independently for the first time and still managed to be quite productive.

Then We went over to our second meeting where I learned I will be dedicating my existence to SBU.  I will be sleeping over at campus four times over the course of the semester to conduct some sleep deprivation research running human test subjects.  Should be fun, but a time consuming pain-in-the-neck as well.

Finally, for the latter portion of my day I went to the Stony Brook Child Care Center for my one single class (seminar in development and education in preschool age children) and to familiarize myself with my new home away from home (and work): my preschool class (room #2).  Nine hours of my week will be spent interning at the Center, playing with, observing, modeling for, and doing projects with fifteen children ages 3-5.  The seminar and the practicum seem like they’re going to take a lot of energy (and writing reflections, which are fine with me, ’cause I’m kind of a reflecting person), but I’m ready.  If I can’t get my ass in a stairmaster, the least I can do is follow a bunch of kiddies around a few days a week.

But after all of that I came home to hang and fold a bunch of curtains, eat dinner and now…pass. the. hell. out.


1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Rejections, Repeats, Reliefs

Yesterday was a hubbub of emotion for me, and I’ve not yet fully dealt with it.  Thankfully, even my dreams last night allowed me to push aside the serious stuff.

However, prior to that I’d been having more dreams about Chris, though I feel like I should be having less.  I cannot recall the one from two days ago, but I know it hung around me for most of the following day, like a mourning over a passed animal: not entirely overwhelming, but depressing enough.  The following night I dreamed I “came home” from wherever to find a sheet of paper ripped from his journal sitting on a table of some kind.  I read it, and it said, “Linda’s MINE. Ha ha ha!”  Though we were apparently still “together,” we weren’t, as I felt as though I was walking on eggshells, waiting for him to ask me where I had been, what I was doing, &c.  A friend of his was over (no one I recognize IRL), but in another room from either of us.  He snatched up the piece of paper through a window between the two rooms, but too late as I had already read it.  I sneaked his journal from the room it had been in, but never got a chance to read it.  I’m not sure why or what happened next; that part’s a little fuzzy.  Then the dream is over.

I’m in no mood to analyze it, so I won’t, and I imagine it will dissipate from my memory before I can care enough to pour over it.  (Thankfully.)

So as that was the prominent thought (aside from work, school, the usual) throughout my mind, I get to work yesterday to discover an e-mail from my stepmother that they will be away this weekend in CT and no need to come over (as I do every Friday).  Now, I may be taking this a little to personally, but not only was I not invited (which I probably couldn’t have attended anyway), but I wasn’t asked to dog sit or house sit or anything.  Would asking either of those things draw me to the “so, why wasn’t I at least invited?” question?  Would they draw attention to the trip in general?  Does anyone feel the least bit guilty about this?

When I moved back home (for the seven hundredth time), my mother told me to seek solace in my family, and I did.  When we went to Hershey, I discovered some things about my brother and his upbringing that were less than stellar, but things I could not possibly help modify on a few-hours-per-weekly basis.  Do/did I want to go away with them again?  Yes and no.  Of course the “family trip” is nice on the whole, but I’d have to be in a better place to deal with certain aspects and facets of others’ lives and I’m not yet prepared to.  Does it still hurt to be ignored when considering another trip?  Fuck yes.  However, my father has told me I’m too sensitive, so am I just being overly-so?  I’d hate to think this is something not to be hurt over, but I can’t help but think he’d just tell me to “toughen up.”

Of course, it will never come up because emotions just don’t in my family.  Any therapist would tell me to bring it up anyway, but I just can not.  In almost twenty-eight years I cannot recall emotion being discussed, and I can’t, for the life of me, recall the last time someone in my family (aside from a response from Kellen) said, “I love you” to me.

I know this is something I have to deal with, because it’s sitting in my brain, just under the surface, itching to be brought up and analyzed.  I haven’t let it yet, and were it up to me, I would push it farther from consciousness.  But it won’t let me.  It sits there, a dull ache, a small hole in my heart that gets a little bit bigger every time I think about it and shove it down again.  Soon it will decide on its own to show up.  I just hope the SBU psychologist can see me before it does.

This technically frees up my Friday, on which day I was asked to see a musician play in my own town.  I should agree to go, now that I have the time.  But the things I don’t seem to have right now are money (thanks to all the graduate school applications) and energy.  I can honestly say I’m a little depressed by everything right now.  Not so much that all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep, but enough that I’m not exactly the best company to be around.  I don’t want to pretend everything is fine.  I want to ignore it, probably the least healthy way of dealing with it.  But then again, with the notion of talking to someone (relatively soon) on the horizon, maybe it won’t be too bad after all.  But in the end I don’t have the cashola or the oomph to be around anyone I don’t have to.  I had planned on staying in this weekend for other reasons (a goddamn break after a very intense 3-week semester and before the next one), but it looks like now I have much more of a reason to.

Sorry, but this next story isn’t the most optimistic either, just another day in the crappy portion of my life (which I know will get better; I’m not here looking for pity or a cheer-up, I promise!).   I had my follow-up dermatology appointment yesterday as well.  Turns out my blood-work was perfect for all tests performed and the biopsy of the skin in my index finger was benign (the “relief” portion of this entry) leading Dr. Goldburt to conclude…  that she has no idea what’s wrong with my hand.  I was referred to a rheumatologist, someone who deals specifically only in swollen joints.  So thus far I’ve knocked out hand therapy (don’t ask!), orthopedics, and now dermatology.  No one seems to know what the hell is wrong with the painful little fuckers that grow on my hand, then heal, then grow in other places, mostly around the knuckle.  At what point am I just supposed to throw up my hands and give up?  Honestly, if they didn’t hurt, I wouldn’t care.  But shooting pain in my hand when I randomly brush it against something is not an occurrence I would prefer to live with.

So things are a little hectic right now.  My winter class ends tomorrow, and the spring semester starts on Monday.  But more on that later.  For now I have to go distract my mind with something other than this crap.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Shameless self-promotion.

Here’s my YouTube channel.   Every few weeks or so I’ve been trying to add a new song.  Mostly covers these days, but who knows, maybe I’ll get back into writing or at least recording some earlier written stuff.

Friend me, or favorite me, or rate me, or comment me, or hell, block me.  But pay attention to meeeeeeeee!

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

It sure doesn’t feel like a new year.

For some reason I had my heart set on feeling like a new person come 1/1/10, or at least 1/5/10, but I don’t.  I’m thankful my first few days of 2010 were spent up in Rhinebeck & Cold Spring, NY, hiking in the serenity of the snow-laden mountains, but it made my first day(s) back in regular life that much more difficult.

I stayed up last night to watch Troy, since we were screening it in class on 1/6 (day 2 of winter class), and I have to miss that class for orientation to volunteer on Saturdays at a mental institution.  When I get to the first day of class, not seven hours after finishing the flick, I find the first two days on the syllabus are a mistake, and the first day was a screening of Troy, not the second.  The plus side?  Not wanting to watch Troy twice in twelve hours, I did the mini attendance-assignment, explained my predicament to the teacher, and got to split from class. That way I worked more than I would normally have had time to, allowing me to catch up some.  Of course, I wound up working almost 8 hours, so it’s almost as though I didn’t really get a vacation!

But tomorrow and Thursday and Friday should be somewhat more smooth because of the effort I put in today.  (I hope.)  I also managed to have time to get that new fuel filter. Frank the stoner really creeps me out at the Jiffy Lube.  Then again, he told me to ask for a few bucks off, and I paid seven less bucks because of him.  (But he’s still creepy!)

After my school –> Stony Brook –> Jiffy Lube –> Commack office –> dinner –> Odyssey day, I think I’ll be asleep the second my head hits the pillow.

Things I didn’t get done today:
– call Sue (back, even though it was on my agenda to do anyway)
– make bloodwork appointment (to find out wtf is wrong with my fingers on my left hand)
– return Troy to Blockbuster

Here’s hoping I remember to do them tomorrow!

Off to read and exercise…

❤ Peace/Love/Happiness ❤

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized