A peek into my journal.

My journal is not the standard journal in that it holds all my deep, dark secrets and inner thoughts that I couldn’t possibly share with the world.  I don’t have a place for that, because I don’t have those things.  I only have what I write here.  My journal just happens to be small enough to fit in my bag (or jacket pocket, really) and therefore catches stray thoughts when I’m out and about, most recently in school.

9/10/09 – sitting on the floor at Penn Station, NY, waiting for my track to be listed
I hate that I love Penna Sta., NY.  You don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone, I guess.

I love sitting on the floor, watching everyone bustle above me, towering like small giants, going about their busy lives.  When I stand, I join them, like I was never of another status, but for now — just for a few minutes — I am still.  There is nothing to me but breath, which, shoulders at rest, occurs through the rise & fall of my diaphragm.  For just these moments, I am the out-group.  Some will consider me an exception to their in-group, which will strengthen their ties to being a commuter.

Oddly, the woman playing music next to McDonald’s began to sing, “don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone…”  There is something magical about this place — or mystical.  Like it’s not just a commuter hub, it’s also a spiritual hub.

9/14/09 – in Environmental History ~6:50 p.m.
Creepy old guy in history class eyed me up & down & mouthed, “wow.”  I think I pretended not to notice, but I can’t really tell what my face revealed — turns out it reveals a lot.

Figures — in this class there’s one guy I’m drawn to (James O’Leary), one that’s the “guy from afar,” and new creepy middle-aged guy with the balding spot.

It kind of tapped into this defenseless female feeling.  I despise this feeling.  I doubt men really have this — or, at the very least it’s likely in the form of rage or adrenaline.  I’d much prefer that, honestly.  Defenselessness is a crappy feeling.

And…now my temper has gotten me embarrassed in class.  I did this paper, but she changed the assignment so I sighed in exasperation.  She confronted me in front of everyone about it & then proceeded to explain for five minutes that schedules may not allow us all to do it in one day.  She surveyed the class — I was the only one.  But she made note of my predicament and agreed to tell us about the paper the Wednesday the week before it’s due.  Mostly just for me.  Sweet.
9/15/09 – doing homework at Dunkin’ Donuts before going to Juliette’s for dinner
Songs I want:
– “Pictures of you, pictures of me.”
– Falling For You
– Cascada’s new song
– “Sun will set for you”
– New Divide
– “Push the pedal down, watch the world around fly by us”
– “still have my heart”  (maybe — check lyrics)

9/16/09 – in Psychology of Prejudice, ~10:50 a.m.
– out w/ Jule ’till 11:30
– phone w/ Cory ’till 12:30
– bed ~1:30-1:45
– up @ 8:05
– parking lot closed & not enough $ for the meter

(lack of sleep, previous night drinking, anxiety over park, late to class)

Class 1 — fast, difficult material, hard to follow, remember, concentrate

Class 2 — slow to understand

6:50pm – in Environmental History
Creepy guy sitting next to me — he reminds me of that guy that used to work w/my mom — Richard.  Probably because they share the name.

He smells — no, reeks — of smoke.  And he can either read this or my thoughts.  Signing off!

So that’s the stuff I think about during my days.  I keep meaning to write shorter little blurbs like, “found shredded turkey chili. good stuff,” just so I can document the little things that make me happy, but I always fail to.  Maybe this conscious recognition of it will trigger some new habit formation.

As of this moment though, it is a quarter to midnight and I am going to read for the next ten minutes (mostly because I know I’ll never make it past ten).

Side notes!  Finished Clash of Kings! (I wrote that already, didn’t I?)  Class canceled today (Natural Disasters).  Looked up three grad schools/programs I’m going to apply to:

– Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology @ SBU (’cause why leave?)

– M.A. in Clinical Psychology @ Penn State Harrisburg (’cause why stay?)

-Psy.D. in Clinical Psychology @ NOVA Southeastern University (’cause it’s fucking Florida!)

scene.

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