Monthly Archives: August 2009

From the vacation.

It’s Monday night and we’ve been here since yesterday afternoon.  I have a ton of things to say, but I’m not really of a position to say them now.  The “in short” versions, in case I don’t actually write tomorrow, is that my brother has severely disappointed and hurt me, I miss Mike of all people, my father has been better (and worse) than I’d expected, I’ve eaten way too much, I exercised in the gym room, I actually love roller coasters, I think about Cory too much,  I’ve let my father pay for entirely too many things (but don’t really mind), and I’m looking forward to school.  I missed my first day today and froze my butt off while going on many of the water rides.  But I know what I need for all but one of my classes, and until she either posts something online or answers one of my two emails, I don’t friggin’ care.

Sadly, I don’t want as much to do with my brother as I used to.  He’s a very nasty, selfish, spoiled child.  I definitely wouldn’t be friends with him if I met him in camp, or on the street.  He’s really competitive and really nasty.  It’s disappointing.

Gonna go drink another Blue Moon right quick to make the annoying go away.  The family should be asleep in a half hour.  Maybe I’ll go drunk swim.  /lame.



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Today I failed at almost everything.  I managed to have that 1/2 glass of OJ and keep the calories relatively low, BUT:

– I took a nap
– I couldn’t jog ’cause of the weather this morning…oh, and the pain
– I stared kind of mindlessly at a few stand-up comedians as well as the first half of Hitchhikker’s Guide.

I worked late because I’ll not be there Monday or Tuesday, I came home and ate a tomato sandwich, then fell asleep watching HGthG.  When I got up I watched tv with my mom then packed, then paid some bills, and now it’s way later than I’d like it to be.  I need to be up at 8, in the shower by 8:45 and out the door at 9:15 tomorrow.  I cannot screw that up.

The good news? Once I’m at my dad’s, all bets are off.  Saturday – Tuesday = food, laziness, and fun with the family.  I’m not charting a SINGLE thing.  Naps as I choose, no watching what I eat, no productivity.  All vacation all the time. Except those two little phone calls I need to make — to Jule and to Cory.  Whoops.  Been meaning to do those both for a few days now.

So until next time (not sure when that’ll be.  Bringing the Macky, but unawares if wireless will be available),
Peace, Love & Happiness!

P.S.  I also fail at picture-blog today, as well as teeth hygiene.   I’m too sleepy to go “get ready for bed.”  Im’a count this as vacation already, even though that’s cheating.  😉

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The day after.

The test went, in a word, badly.  I got a 500 verbal and 610 quantitative.  You know it’s bad when I do better on math. I spent last night drowning myself in wine, WoW and a movie, with the promise of turning things around beginning today.  My goals are as follows:

1. No naps.  Tired? Go to bed, and get up bright and early.
2. Exercise.  Yes, I’ve said this before.  But I never give up hope on myself.  At least 1x a day, preferably 2x.  And it’s okay, if in terrible pain, to skip a day.
3. Cut down on: snacks, alcohol, and the stuff that’s bad for my voice (caffeine, spicy foods, fried foods).
4. Eat more: fruits, veggies, soy.
5. Drink 1/2 glass of OJ every morning.
6. Keep moving.  Be it physical, mental, or just productive.  No staring at Facebook mindlessly for hours.
7. Take care of my teeth.  They’re neglected.
8. When “bored,” choose from any of the following:  studying for GRE test #2, studying for the Psych GRE, working on grad school application stuffs, looking at grad school programs, reading The Perfect Storm for a review in Natural Disasters class.
9. When needed “Linda-time,” choose from any of the following: recreational reading, movie from, WoW.
10. Make to-do list(s) constantly.  Stop trying to remember things.

What have I done today along these lines?  Let’s see, I haven’t napped (and it’s 9 p.m. — good sign I won’t nap at all then), I went jogging this morning, I had salad and soy crisps for lunch, I drank OJ for breakfast, I got info from Penn State and made a list of requirements for it in my decision to apply, I found GRE test questions in abundance that I can use to study, and I cleaned up my room (not that there was much to clean–it was more of a “tidy”).  I am going to go read the first few pages of A Perfect Storm, and when I get drowsy I will make some vegetables and sit down to watch “Gamers.”  Then I will brush my teeth and go to bed.  I have intentions on getting up around 8 to do a little more jogging before getting ready for work, which I should arrive at ~9:30.

Sounds good.  How long could I possibly keep this up?  Heh.

So despite my missing blog entry of yesterday, I did manage to take a picture, as I did today as well.

Post-GRE failure dinner.  :(

Post-GRE failure dinner. 😦

And today, I tried to catch Gus Gus barking with the ball in his mouth, but no dog wanted to stand still for three whole seconds.

Bella & Gus Gus.

Bella & Gus Gus.

Aaaaand, I’m off.  Peace.

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A quick note on le school.

I’m headed to bed at the ripe early hour of 11:30 p.m. tonight, so as to get a good night’s sleep.  I shall be working 9-12:30 tomorrow, returning home to study from 1-3, and then will be at the GRE test site roughly 50 minutes early, because that’s how I roll.

I did, however, want to jot down my upcoming schedule, as I’ve usually done this by now, but haven’t to date.  So here is my school/work schedule, complete with cool classes for the Fall semester.

Mon/Wed/Fri (9:35-10:30 a.m.): Drugs and the Brain (Biopsychology)
Mon/Wed/Fri (10:40-11:35 a.m.): Psychology of Prejudice
Mon/Wed (3:50-5:10 p.m.): Politics and Society (Philosophy)
Mon/Wed (5:20-6:40 p.m.): Natural Disasters
Mon/Wed (6:50-8:10 p.m.): Environmental History

I’ll be working Mon/Wed from 12-3:30, Tu/Th for 4.5 hours each, and Fri from 12-4.  In about a month, however, I will be working evening hours, opening our new Commack office, on Tu/Th/Fri instead of daytime.  I’m not sure how I’m going to squeeze in research work, but I certainly promise to be busy with school work and research work and reading Psych GRE stuff and getting application documents together every free moment of my life.  I’ll probably still go to dad’s on Fridays, but I will spend most of Saturday doing homework, and I will have to go home Saturday evenings to the land of gettingthingsdone.  I’d like to think I’ll get a bunch of work done at their house, but it’s hard to explain to a six-year-old why you’re still doing homework, where theirs took about 11 minutes.

Speaking of time constraints, I need to read some so I can get groggy enough to fall asleep by 1.

Here’s to not being afraid of the big, bad GRE exam tomorrow!  ::cheers with Gatorade bottle of water::

P.S. I had forgotten to take a picture today, so what best to capture at this hour?  My studies!

GRE for dummies and a wide-ruled notebook of MATH.

GRE for dummies and a wide-ruled notebook of MATH.

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Photo blog concept revisited.

I imported my blogger blog (the one people were reading and starting trouble about) to this one.  Since I looked back, I think I want to revisit this idea of a daily photo blog.  I’ll be purchasing a new camera once I get my loan funds in about a month, so by then I’ll have even more incentive.  For now I think I will allow this project to begin tomorrow.

…but wait! I took a photo today! ::runs off to upload::

Hard to see amongst the trees, but a beautiful dragonfly.

Hard to see amongst the trees, but a beautiful dragonfly.

My mother thinks dragonflies are aliens.  She scares me sometimes.

And though I don’t have a picture from Sunday (I almost snapped a shot of the perfect toasted marshmallow), I do have a few from Saturday:

Kellen is da bomb, yo.

Kellen is da bomb, yo.

A boy and his slide.

A boy and his slide.

That is all for now.  Hopefully I can get this up and running again.  We shall see.

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Dear John,

(What?  I thought I’d give it a spin from the bad rep “Dear John” letters have.)

Hi. How are you? What is up, down, all around? N.M.H.  Hahahaha, just kidding.  Okay, now back to business.

I’m not sure what to say, or why I’m even writing this.  I don’t have a way with words as you do.  I can’t turn this into a comedy routine to ease the tension and nervousness that accompanies it.  Would that I could, really.

What I want to write is to let you know what I think, and how I feel, because where we are now just doesn’t allow for that kind of intimacy.  My brain doesn’t exactly allow for that kind of intimacy, at least not anymore.  Mike had called me “baby,” and all I could do to respond (in my head) was go, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HELP!”  You called me “sweety-pie,” and it was different.  It didn’t suddenly feel like something I’d lost had been replaced; it just wasn’t so scary.

I wish so much for you.  I wish I could be so much [more] for you.  I want to have time, and I want to spend time with you, be it staring at stars or talking about things we love.  But I can’t do these things.  I can’t find time, much as I want to.  It’s not fair to have what Chris and I had for a year and a half–a weekend relationship.  I just can’t fit anything else into my world, save for rooming with someone.  And I don’t even know what you think or what you want.  A year ago you got back with your ex, but how long did that last?  You’re not smoking anymore; maybe you two can work things out.  If you’re anything like me in this regard (or she is, I suppose), you’d still be talking to her.

But I digress, because this isn’t about someone you dated years ago.  This is about me, and you, and if anything exists there.  It did nine years ago, but that was ephemeral.  So much has happened to us both; so much has changed.  Honestly, I was surprised when you didn’t want to sit in a diner for hours like “old times.”  But back then it was easy — the first time ’round, we were only kids.  Living home was what we did.  The second time ’round, I had an apartment, which made things much simpler.  Now, do I want to bring people over my room upstairs at my mother’s house?  No.  Do I want to awkwardly steal away to your room after reuniting with your parents and brother after a decade?  No.  But what can I do?

I’m tired of stalling, but I’m too scared for anything else.  When you kissed me on the beach, I was flooded with a hundred different emotions.  I didn’t know what to do, because I haven’t had to do this in forever.  I think too much; I worry more.  I’m not sure when this all became who I was, but I can’t seem to make it stop.  You should have seen me before you arrived at my house — I was pacing all 20 minutes you were late, begging my mother to distract me.  Sure, I should have been fearing for your life, since you were late, but I wasn’t.  I was wondering if you were going to call out our get-together again, and ask what I wanted it to be, or if I had any prior notions.  Something as minor as that made me nervous, so you can imagine how ungainly I was when your lips met mine.

I live in a controversial mindset, so you’re aware.  I believe women should go about their ways and leave men alone.  Men should be for babies (and sex, if sex is desired and babies are not).  They are not typically supportive or emotional creatures.  They make fire, hold land and father children.  Now, I know that comes out quite harsh, but I’ve been through too many evolutionary and psychological lectures to really believe otherwise. Oh, and also, there’s the biggest piece of evidence I could find: life.  Yes, there are different variations on the theme, mostly because men have been trained (by significant others, parents, siblings, caretakers) to be empathetic, or at the very least, responsive.  So calling it black-and-white is rude of me, but I don’t think it’s natural otherwise.  Do I saunter outside in a tank top and mini-skirt because I think the men making a mess in my yard will clean it up after they see what book I’m reading?  No.  Sex sells everything (and for the record, it worked).

On the other hand, I wanted to spend time with you because I enjoyed the companionship.  The flip side of the coin is that women are innately emotional creatures, seeking comfort and warmth and love (regardless of defenses; they make people appear a certain way, but defenses aren’t truth).  I can honestly see why lesbianism is a big hit.  What women seek men don’t really have, but they pretend to, to get what they want.  With these contradictory thoughts floating around in my brainspace, I am constantly conflicted.  It keeps me content being alone, but that contentment falters time and again (with no warning, much to my dismay).

What does this have to do with you?  Nothing, and everything.  What would my ideal situation be here?  Well, one of two extreme situations: 1 — we get together, have “fun” — at least that’s what I think the kids are calling it — and part ways until the next go-round has an opportunity.  This is good for our busy schedules, and is probably even better for the male side of things.  2 — we get comfortable.  This is to say I can sit in a room with you while you write your latest play or short story or novel and I do my homework.  This is good for our schedules too, but promises to be full of distraction and conversation.   Not to mention it is way too relationshippy for me to feel anything but awkward towards even the idea.

I guess what all of this boils down to is that I’m not ready for anything, and I’m afraid without prompting I never will be.  Everything we do makes me nervous, and I take that as a sign that I like you.  (The dreams are another sign, but they’re very off topic and not at all a pleasure to think about.)  I could easily hide behind a lack of time forever, but there are always maneuvers around that, albeit they are only few and they are not always wonderful.

You know something?  I don’t know anything about you anymore.  Personal information that used to fly out of our mouths without a second thought is now thought over two or three times and censored.  Do you drink again? Do you still go to therapy?  Are you on any drugs?  Are there sensitive issues I should sidestep, like the aforementioned questions? Would you let me have a bar in our house if we had a house someday?  Would you promise not to hate my cat?  Can I be jealous at every girl in your life so long as I keep it at a sane enough level to be considered “cute.”  Would you be honest with me, rather than say one thing to my face and write another? Could you refrain from a Mets/Yankees argument with Bone Crusher?

These questions don’t have answers, and should never even be asked in the first place.  Where this goes is where I let it go.  Without the ability to drown my inhibitions in alcohol, it’s unlikely to go very far.  I turned into a chicken-shit over time, and as much as I’d like to blame others, I’ve no one to blame for that save myself.  Hell, maybe you could help me get over all the fear and anxiety.  Or maybe I could resent you for it eternally.  You never know unless you try, right?  I’m just not sure I can try without a push.  Once upon a time, you’d have pushed me.  I just think you’ve pushed enough times to learn it’s never really gotten you anywhere with me.

So what was all this rambling?  Ultimately, nothing.  What I really want is for you to be what I’ve been looking for and passed up when it was sitting in front of me.  I want for you to be fascinated by me, thinking the first two times just weren’t “our” times.  I can see myself laughing (constantly) with you in my life, but at the same time I only see it in the committed format, which I’m still back-and-forth on.  Then again, I get all sloppy and confused when something new rolls around, so this could all be null and void in a month.  Sadly, what I’ve been looking for goes against the grain of the male nature, as is the case with all but few females.  Do I want to try to put you through that?  Do I want to have someone around that will challenge me emotionally, filing me with cheerfulness and a sanguine outlook, but doubtless will also disappoint my unrealistic expectations?  Who needs that?  Do I?  Do you?

Right back where I started,

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Last free day or, alternatively, weekend part deux.

I got a good, long night’s sleep last night, so now it’s just about 2 a.m. and here I am, still awake.  I had a fairly productive, albeit semi-discouraging day at the very least.

That good night of sleep came at the expense of getting out of bed around 11 in the morning.  But once I did, I only loafed for an hour before starting on the task list.  I went to Jiffy Lube (an hour wait…that is not the definition of ‘jiffy’) and then washed the car.  I looked into some school stuff–looks like I’m currently seeking entrance to SUNY Albany, SUNY Cornell, SUNY Stony Brook, and The Graduate Center (CUNY), but I think both Albany and The Graduate Center are doctoral programs, SBU is unlikely to accept me because I did my undergrad there, and Cornell is…well, in fucking Ithaca.  I decided to take an alternate approach anyway.  While looking briefly into schools with Developmental Psychology programs, I’m also working on the requirements.  The GRE is obviously being taken (for the first time) on Wednesday, and I’m probably going to schedule the Psych GRE (a requirement for Albany at least) for 11/7 as soon as I have my loan money to pay for it.  I need to start asking for letters of recommendation, so I should email Alex and Sue sometime in the next week or so.  I will either see if I can get a letter from Dr. Kaplan or I will have two professional employer letters and one academic one; if it looks bad, it looks bad, but that’s where I’ve spent most of my time.  Other than that I will need a Personal Statement.  I know it’s come up on “the List” before, so I will have to go back into the archives and see what comes up by way of writing one, then create my own.

But first…the GRE that kicked my ass today.  I was going to try a practice exam, but it ended horribly.  I started off nice and strong.  I did the verbal in 20 (of 30) minutes, and got 5 out of 30 incorrect.  Some were due to rushing; a few were simply words I did not know and could not deduce.  Then I moved onto math, and bombed.  I am absolutely horrible at this high school algebra thing.  I couldn’t have answered 28 questions in 2 hours, let alone the 45 minutes I have to do them.  I had to look 80% of them up; I couldn’t even guess.

Maybe I was nervous.  Maybe I just needed exposure before I could truly tackle it.  Or maybe I am just really really inexperienced and overall bad at math.  I’m sure it’s a combination of all of those things.

In any event, I took it as a sign to put the book down (skipping the writing portion), and go cook.  I made burgers (and cheeseburgers), hot dogs, and every variation on grilled zucchini you can imagine.  Well, okay, maybe not every variation.  I coated in oil/salt/pepper, chili pepper, Italian seasoning, just basil, Italian dressing, and others I can’t even recall at the moment. Each “slice” got a different seasoning.  This freakin’ zucchini was about a foot and a half long, so I had plenty of veggie to work with.  Anyway, it came out amazing on the grill, as did the meat.  The fire was perfect, so I added marshmallows into the mix, and fortunately had graham crackers on hand.  I was short chocolate bar, but I did have milk chocolate morsels, so I lined those up on a graham cracker and made a few s’mores.    Absolutely delicious!  I cleaned off the grill, assuming I won’t be using it again this season, and relaxed in the yard with the dogs (Bella and her bff, Gus Gus) for a short while before my neighbor showed up.  We piled inside so he could work on my mother’s computer — it was RAM it needed all this time; who knew? — while I made some chocolate chip cookies (yes, from scratch).  I needed to spend equal parts errands/chores/studying and recreation or I’d be cranky on my last free day.  The cookies came out a little overdone on the first batch, but much better on the second.  I’m going to bring a dozen or so into the office, since there’s always good food being brought in over there these days.

After I cleaned up, I hung around another half hour or so until Patton Oswalt’s comedy special came on at 10.  It was … not hilarious, but not bad.  My mother said he had interesting humor, and I guess I kind of agree.  I don’t know if I just wasn’t really in the mood for it, or it just wasn’t that funny.

I ended the evening watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which I thought was very interesting, and a nice love story.  My mother refuses to watch it because she doesn’t like Brad Pitt, but I think this one is worth it.  Again, I like the idea of “different” movies.  Thinkers, I guess.  I’m sure there’s a term for them.  I’ll try to remember to ask Cory that one, if I ever get to talk with him again.  For now, though, I need some sleep, so I can work and study all day and night tomorrow.  /math fail.  So sad. So sad.

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