Christine gave me Patrick Watson tonight. Very Jack Johnson-esque with a hint of … well, something else, something edgier. In any event, he is my blog-writing soundtrack this fine evening as he + Sam’s Cherry Wheat = reflectiony Linda. The Great Escape takes the cake.
So. What’s up, you ask? Well, plenty. I’m not even sure where to start. I guess here, if anything. I feel like this theme for my blog is cheating. The misty/autumn look screams Chris. I know it’s something I can incorporate into my own world as I also like that “look,” but when I turn to face my dragon jewelry box and my fairy tile wall hangings and purchase acrylic paints and when I watch Legend of the Seeker, I wonder what happened to me. This wasn’t me pre-Chris, but even if he weren’t around, would the Astorians have done this to me anyway? Was it always inside of me, waiting to come out? I’m sad, though. Sad because when I received all of these things that remind me of him, I can instantaneously recall the feeling that accompanied the receipt. I was hoping I could impress him. …Maybe that was just it; he became my dad, someone that was missing from my life. Then all I wanted to do was impress him. So do I still like playing WoW every now and again because I truly like it, or because I think someday I’ll be good, and Chris will be proud of me, because he made me? Would it just be better to remove all things that might be remotely related to him; take out the least common denominator? I don’t know. I just can’t separate what I will truly be deprived of from what I have convinced myself I’d be deprived of, but only because I don’t feel like giving something up because of him. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to do that, either.
This is the problem with being 80 different “selves” and no one single one. I love a little bit of everything and could never commit to being passionate about anything. Looks like a life theme, if you ask me. Just a week ago I was wondering if I’d made the right decision choosing developmental psychology instead of clinical. Then Dr. Carr died, and my first thought was, “go with Autism.” I read his book as though I was in the room with those people trying to determine what would be best for each child. Then the class ended, and all I could remember was I imagined it would be kind of scary to have to go through. And I remembered why I wanted to go to school for psychology–because I could read people. But in going for the ABA/PSB stuff, I’m fairly certain I have to go through the clinical process as well, so maybe retaking Mood Disorders is a good idea… heh.
I’m skipping past something very important though: Dr. Carr’s death. He and his wife, Ilene Wasserman, were killed by a drunken 66-year old driver in Wading River. The murderer was out wine tasting. I’m completely devastated about this whole ordeal, but what makes it worse was my own almost DWI. That eye-opening experience was enough to keep the drinking to a minimum when driving was in my future. I learned a lesson, but this guy? Learned it the very hard way, not even just the jail-time/license-revocation way. And the world is now deprived of two phenomenal psychologists.
I’m going to toss in here future goals/plans because they need to be … written down somewhere…
1. Diet/exercise week begins Monday. Eat a little better and do some form of exercise every other day. This may be short-lived, but Im’a friggen try.
2. Be a good girlfriend. This entails making an effort for a guy that is playing the role of Linda in the relationship while I play the role of Chris. If he says “I love you” at six months, I might die. (For those that might find this, I KID. Lighten the fuck up.)
3. Look into employment at DDI. Contact people. See what I might be able to obtain for a comparative salary. Suffolk Center is driving me to drink…and smoke…and contemplate suicide. (See? Would I really fucking mean that? Chill. Out.) But in all honestly I’m not kidding when I say it’s sucking out my soul through my nostril.
4. Look into ABA/PBS and Developmental Psych stuff and Clinical Psych stuff and see what I need to look into to pursue this career. This might take a few days total, so I should really consider it.
5. Start LVDF project with Sue. A few hours a week should be all it takes, so I really need to make an effort to find that time.
6. Finish my “room work” by the end of the summer. Mikey will help, just ask/invite. Maybe start tomorrow or Sunday.
7. Stop thinking up things to add to this list. Six things really isn’t good enough? Ewwwww!
Haha, remember when “Ew!” was popular in, like, middle or high school? …yeah, me either.
I’d like to thank WordPress and Jesse for turning this frown upside-down! (Did I really just write that?)