Starting to see a connection…

I had a phenomenal weekend. So much so that I’m doing something I seem to do when I get scared. I start going over ’07-’09 again. I get sad. I listen to horrible music, like Quote by Evans Blue:

Quote, you are my soul, unquote
Now does that sound familiar?
Kiss the boy and make him feel this way

Quote, well this is me, unquote
You have been so ugly your entire life
So why change now?

Is this how you want to go down?
Right before my eyes
You are the saddest sight I know
You’re quiet; you never make a sound
But here inside my mind you are the loudest one I know

Quote, we never talk, unquote
And that’s when I don’t answer
Don’t you dare ask why
Because you don’t want to know

Quote, well woe is me, unquote
How different I’ve become
And no one understands, my dear, no one really cares

And you were right, right from the start
It took everything you had, but you finally broke my…

And now the old things will pass away
I saw your light once
Did you see mine?
But not all things will pass away
You turned your light off
So I turned mine, away from your sadness, away from the nothing that you feel for me

Is this how you want to go down?
Right before my eyes, you are the saddest sight, I know
You’re so quiet and you never make a sound
But here inside my mind you are the loudest one, I know
And you were right, right from the start, it took everything you had, but you finally broke my …

Quote, hey listen ’cause I’ll only say this once
I finally found the words
That mean enough to me
Good bye my soul, unquote

I’m starting to think this is some kind of mechanism my brain turns on to create defenses. Last time I did this I had decided I liked SH and wanted to let go of my past bullshit and worry only about the future. Should have made that the present, but better off I didn’t, or I’d be just another stupid girl.

Anyway, I’m 116% certain MD is nothing like SH. The things that made SH appealing made him a douchebag. The things that make MD appealing are the things that should. I don’t think I’ll go into this stuff right now, because part of me is convinced he’s found this blog and simply going to sit there and read what I think about him before actually hearing it from me. Then again, the way I work he’ll hear it wayyyyyyyyy later, ’cause I’ll keep it all safely stored in defensive-land, where my dominating thought is, “I don’t even know you.” It’s a bad sign when you meet a sister or two and immediately think, “don’t like her; it’ll just be more difficult later.” Or, hell, maybe it’s a good sign.

Well, he’s now aware I have stupid emotional baggage that I’m purging. That’s…um…good? Fuck, man, who cares? He stays, he goes, what does it matter? But he gets it. And maybe it’s cause of where he is right now, because that would explain everything (I’ve been there, I know), but regardless of why, I think I’m pretty lucky right now. I should think about that and maybe consider getting some sleep. Stupid naps.

In closing, more Evans Blue:

if it’s no ones fault, there’s just no one to blame
and nothing to say
this time it’s no one’s fault, so there’s nothing to save
and no one to hate
but I want to so bad…believe me

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