Friday I can’t talk much about, but I can say the Blue October concert was fucking phenomenal. I love those guys so much, especially live. As for the rest of the night, it went downhill. I got emotionally nostalgic and then in almost a lot of trouble. I played the “get out of jail free” card, to its most literal extent, and have not been the same since. Aside from shame and embarrassment, I am disappointed in myself. For the past few months I was doing what I thought was quite awesome, and then it took a turn and I feel like I’m damaging myself. And I can’t tell what came first: the turn or the boy.
In any event, my Saturday was changed due to my Friday night, but I did manage to have a pretty good lunch with Chris (this is a whole ‘nother Chris; there are like 9 in my life), who came to my rescue (the second time–to give me a ride). I was also run through an instance by Rob and Sam, but that doesn’t make WoW matters any better; I still can’t do the shit myself. But whatevs, I leveled my undead whore to 68 and made it to Nagrand. I still don’t feel like she’s mine, you know? I played 63 levels on fucking ‘follow’ for the most part, and only now am I trying to figure out what the hell the game is even about. It looks to me like a time-killer, but lately…well, I’ve been so down, killing time works. I won’t get into the other shit I had to mentally deal with last night ’cause it already put me over the top of my stress-limit today. In short, I’m a hot topic of conversation. But I’m pretty sure I set the need for that aside today, and for all the wrong reasons this time.
Today I did the MS Walk, for which I raised $750. Rena was supposed to come with me, but she went to a bachelorette party last night and did not get up in time. I forgot to expect her not to come, but fortunately I’d done it often enough in my past, that I was fine. I think being emotionally fucked-up from everything made my apathy all the stronger. In any event, what made me most happy about the entire event were the dogs. I chose Belmont Lake because they were hosting the “Pooch Parade” and I knew that meant there would be some 30-odd dogs at least. There were. I pet lots o’puppies.
And I walked. I walked in front because I guess I’m kind of an impatient walker. I have a faster default pace than most, I think. I don’t know if it’s a city-related thing, or I’m just that impatient a person. It rained, the entire time. I started out with a raincoat on, hood up, but after loitering before the actual walking part for a while, I opted to just let the rain fall on me. Halfway through the walk itself, I took the raincoat off. I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt with a t-shirt over that and a sweatshirt over that. I’m not entirely sure why I dressed for the tundra, but at least I could shed layers, and that made the rain kind of refreshing.
At 10:30 or so, the walk was over. Mind you, it began at 10. I had only begun my inner reflections around the last bend or so of the trail, so without much thought, I shed another layer, geared back up, and went for two. As I walked again, I wondered why I opted to do it. Did I feel like one “lap” was cheating? Then I thought back to an episode of House wherein Wilson goes for a walk in the bitter cold without a jacket. House figures he’s either lost his mind and actually forgotten the coat, or he was punishing himself. So I thought maybe that’s what I was doing.
Punishing myself for what, you might ask? Not having enough self-respect, mostly. For playing a game the deep, inner workings of my soul knows I can’t win, but still playing anyway. Maybe that’s why my brain lost control and I’ve felt like a crazy woman for days. Referring back to my setting aside the need for conversation, well, I started to slowly stand up for myself. I semi half took it back, but the damage is done. I am officially back to insane. And the only way to cut the crap is to cut the apron strings. As referenced by my prior incredibly brief blog post, everyone wins. Except me, but I did that to myself. Regardless, walking two laps, in the rain, without warm clothes didn’t punish me enough. I spent the remainder of today doing that mentally, and tossing around the remainder of events from the weekend.
I hope I can snap out of this at some point, ’cause I’m not sure I know how to live like this for very long. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to do anything. I’m not hungry, I’m not thirsty; I just want to sleep and turn my brain off. As a matter of fact, I didn’t do my paper (due Wednesday) so I don’t even think I can get better than a B in Buddhism. Although the B wouldn’t kill me, I should still write the stupid paper. I took books out of the library and all. And seeing as there’s still two evenings to write it…
If I could only come up with the motivation. I’m utterly pathetic right now. And what’s worse is knowing it is magnifying it. Fuck, I sure hope I come out with some super positive happy shit tomorrow or something.