all’s well that ends well

…or so they say. I have an awesome day with Ryan, filled with coffee, cigarettes, a five hour long psychology conference and an arboretum walk. Then I get home and nap, wherein I dream about Chris. The Fuck?

I dream about the same three people, over and over. Two less than the third. Am I really still “getting over it?” I guess so, or I probably wouldn’t be wondering who joined along in the Rego Park walking adventure.

Okay, yes, I’m still sleepy, and hurt, dream fresh in my mind. I don’t remember details, save for there being little kids around while we rode in the back of an SUV with them and Roz. I’m pretty sure she had just…had two more kids, or something. We were all very family-esque and on our way “home” — for them, I think. Getting everything out of the car, I was looking around for one of the kid’s toys, and Chris shook it from outside of the SUV. “Is that you telling me you already grabbed it?” I ask. He nods. I smile. Something else quite similar occurs in the same setting, and shutting the door, I remark, “I missed you.”

Do I? I don’t know. I mean, I’m sure the dream came up because I was talking to Ryan about getting off of this island [for graduate school] and how I had more “tying me down” when I was with Chris. I may or may not have also mentioned the words, “I almost broke up with you right then,” regarding my smoking. But the content of the dream was kind of painful and unnecessary. I have this weird belief that dreams let us live out what we refuse to acknowledge and deal with consciously. Not all the time of course — my love for burritos versus their appearance in my dream content is definitely not proportional — but with some of the really emotional stuff. So that makes me wonder: do I miss him more than I am willing to let on? No, but mostly out of spite because he doesn’t miss me. And yes, because, in a twisted way, he spoiled me. I couldn’t fit into his standards, and now I’m afraid no one will ever fit in mine.

I’ve dropped the WoW thing. I’ve recently come to realize (better late than never?) boys will be boys. It’s only really a problem when you’re not willing to put the computer down and go outside, or go be social. Which brings me to my second point: being social. If I had only known being social had as many negative points as it does positive. Sure, it’s good for networking. It’s also phenomenal to up your interpersonal skills. However, content is ridiculously important. I am definitely holding out for someone that can hold an intellectual conversation and not need it to be a debate/argument. I believe that possibility exists; I’ve totally seen it.

On somewhat more of an aside, I’m not really thrilled with the basis for any relationship being “so will I see you this week?” Thank you for the compliment, and I have needs too, but what exactly do I do with something that won’t go anywhere? It just takes me farther from the thing I love most: love. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not exactly sad about it (or would my dream beg to differ?), I just miss it sometimes, even if it was a lie…though it didn’t feel like one. With the addition of “intelligent conversation” to my long list of necessary attributes (don’t worry, “affection” is atop the list), the likelihood I’ll ever find someone that’s more than just something to do gets even smaller. Amendment 4/26/09: or does it?

Anyways, I’m wayyyy off track. So, yeah, in a way I miss Chris. But as I once wrote,
“It’s the wrong way; it’s the long way
but I guess it’s okay
as long as someday I get home.”


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