Monthly Archives: April 2009

concession…out of desire or being wounded?

I’m going to start changing names to protect innocent people. For this story, I’m “seeing” James and am being e-mailed by Paul.

Brief background on Paul: We hooked up a few months ago, for a very short period of time. He’s still very hung up on an ex of over a year ago. His career goals are a little out of the realm of probable. I stopped seeing him because…well…he was a little clingy. Or maybe the word is controlling. I don’t know; a combination of the two, I suppose.

I get an e-mail from Paul the other night, asking how I’ve been. I give the short story: school, work, family, and politely ask how he’s been. His response entailed a request for a date when school is out. My first thought? Let’s see where James stands on “us.” ‘Nowhere’ is clearly the answer. The word “relationship” scares him. That’s fair; we haven’t really spoken to/been seeing each other very long. But in meeting him I realized I didn’t really want to be involved with Paul.

So if I agree to this date–am I doing it because I really want to? Or because I’m just a little bit hurt by James’s pseudo-denial? Am I subconsciously lowering my standards, or just my self-esteem? Is Paul a pick-me-up, because I know he’ll be enamored by me?

I suppose I’m going to have to give him an answer soon. There’s nothing “stopping” me from going, so I probably should just go. It’s a date, not a marriage proposal. I’m just not a huge fan of dating because it presents itself; I’m a fan of dating because I am actually interested in pursuing something. And I don’t think I am, with Paul. Of course, I am interested in such with James. Ah, well, I just keep telling myself there’ll be other Jameses.

That might be my answer right there. And anything less than the truth is lying.


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subjective opinions.

Unless you read an automotive journal, Consumer Reports, or have worked on automobiles long enough to be able to take them apart and accurately comment on what’s going on “under the hood,” how often should you be using the words, “X is better than Y”? I’ve had five cars thus far in my lifetime: a 1987 Dodge Charger (not the cool one; the one that looked like a Plymouth Duster), a 1989 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, a 1997 Chevrolet Cavalier, a 1997 Volkswagon Cabrio Highline and my current 2007 Ford Focus. I have had problems with each and every one of these babies, and rightfully so–cars fall apart, ultimately. Aside from hearing from some unknowledgeable teenage asshole about how “plastic” the Cavalier is versus the “strong, metal” Cutlass, what information do I have as to the durability of these cars?

The answer is none. I would be basing anything I had to say on my particular experience. It would be biased, and it would be inaccurate. Yet I see this happen all the time. I am constantly in contact with people who think they are automobile connosoirs, and only twice have I ever spoken to someone who’s built a car, or taken an engine apart.

Eh, I suppose I’m being snobby and cranky. I’ve been awake about fifteen minutes, so I suppose the sleepy has something to do with it as well. I guess what I’m trying to say is stop making comparative judgements based on absolutely no scientific information! At least all I can see that comes from it is an aura of ignorance. Who wants that, really?

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for all the right reasons.

I was going to write an “in yo face” blog about all the good things I have in my life, and comment on how weak and stupid my dream blog was, but…well…”I don’t want to be that guy anymore.” Writing some “I’m better than you” public information is cheating. No, it’s vain. Vain and immature. Two things I have had trouble escaping. So here’s an additional effort to do so. I am two weeks away from summer and things are surprisingly good; no need to try to make myself feel like a level competitor. I’m finally starting to feel like I don’t need to do that. Which is kind of amusing really–I win; know why? ‘Cause I don’t care about winning.

Wait, don’t get me wrong here: writing about the good goings-on is wonderful–encouraging, even–but doing it as a reaction, or in a boastful way, that’s where things get screwy.

Anyway, onto other stuff… in about 4 minutes I’m going to force myself to sit down and write my Long, Strong Island paper. You know, the one that accompanies the song, so that I can get that A. I played the song for the class yesterday evening. At least 60-70 people sat and stared as I capo’ed the second fret of my pretty new blonde baby, played G/C/D Am/D G/D/G/C/D/G over and over and sang what seemed to me to be lyrics that would never make the cut. My teacher spent the five minutes following my perfomance praising me and making the class aware of specific lyrics. In short, I was a hit. Being such put me on a high horse for the remainder of the evening too. I think I drank 4 “celebratory” beers, played some WoW with Mike, talked to the two people closest to me atm, put on the new Depeche Mode album and danced and laughed all night. Holding Buddhism class outside on the lawn (and getting hit on by some 20-year old cutie) definitely helped the rising spirits too, but they were before I even played the song. πŸ˜‰ Okay, maybe it was wearing that dress too. I can’t help but think about Chris telling me I looked good in it as I strolled down Clyde Street the day he signed the lease on his apartment. I think that picks me up an extra confidence point or two.

So the best few days I’ve had in a long time were Saturday-Tuesday. I’m still not out of the scared-out-of-my-mind woods yet, as my trust is still at a dangerously low level, but I’m workin’ on it, and I’m determined. ‘Cause no matter what happens ultimately, I get something good out of everything I do. Unfortunately, I can sometimes see what I’m going to get from someone way early in a friendship/relationship/interaction; I just hope in knowing what that is, it doesn’t coincide with a forseen “end.” Then again, what did I just finish saying? Even if a relationship of any kind ends, I still get something from it. So it shouldn’t really matter, should it?

The answer is ‘no.’ But I’m still not a fan of “ends”!

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Inspired by Ms. Cipriani

A year ago I was writing blogs about how I was proud I didn’t have a “Wednesday” fight, and I was driving past Rob’s house on Sunday nights. I “hoped Chris never resents me for changing him.” I wondered if getting upset to a lesser degree, but always on the same days was progress. I wanted to “burn down Blizzards HQ and subsequent offices.”

…I’d go back farther, but I don’t really want to know that I was unhappy even before then.

What did I do?

Oh, and also, today? Knock me down. I fucking dare you. IMPOSSIBLE!

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all’s well that ends well

…or so they say. I have an awesome day with Ryan, filled with coffee, cigarettes, a five hour long psychology conference and an arboretum walk. Then I get home and nap, wherein I dream about Chris. The Fuck?

I dream about the same three people, over and over. Two less than the third. Am I really still “getting over it?” I guess so, or I probably wouldn’t be wondering who joined along in the Rego Park walking adventure.

Okay, yes, I’m still sleepy, and hurt, dream fresh in my mind. I don’t remember details, save for there being little kids around while we rode in the back of an SUV with them and Roz. I’m pretty sure she had just…had two more kids, or something. We were all very family-esque and on our way “home” — for them, I think. Getting everything out of the car, I was looking around for one of the kid’s toys, and Chris shook it from outside of the SUV. “Is that you telling me you already grabbed it?” I ask. He nods. I smile. Something else quite similar occurs in the same setting, and shutting the door, I remark, “I missed you.”

Do I? I don’t know. I mean, I’m sure the dream came up because I was talking to Ryan about getting off of this island [for graduate school] and how I had more “tying me down” when I was with Chris. I may or may not have also mentioned the words, “I almost broke up with you right then,” regarding my smoking. But the content of the dream was kind of painful and unnecessary. I have this weird belief that dreams let us live out what we refuse to acknowledge and deal with consciously. Not all the time of course — my love for burritos versus their appearance in my dream content is definitely not proportional — but with some of the really emotional stuff. So that makes me wonder: do I miss him more than I am willing to let on? No, but mostly out of spite because he doesn’t miss me. And yes, because, in a twisted way, he spoiled me. I couldn’t fit into his standards, and now I’m afraid no one will ever fit in mine.

I’ve dropped the WoW thing. I’ve recently come to realize (better late than never?) boys will be boys. It’s only really a problem when you’re not willing to put the computer down and go outside, or go be social. Which brings me to my second point: being social. If I had only known being social had as many negative points as it does positive. Sure, it’s good for networking. It’s also phenomenal to up your interpersonal skills. However, content is ridiculously important. I am definitely holding out for someone that can hold an intellectual conversation and not need it to be a debate/argument. I believe that possibility exists; I’ve totally seen it.

On somewhat more of an aside, I’m not really thrilled with the basis for any relationship being “so will I see you this week?” Thank you for the compliment, and I have needs too, but what exactly do I do with something that won’t go anywhere? It just takes me farther from the thing I love most: love. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not exactly sad about it (or would my dream beg to differ?), I just miss it sometimes, even if it was a lie…though it didn’t feel like one. With the addition of “intelligent conversation” to my long list of necessary attributes (don’t worry, “affection” is atop the list), the likelihood I’ll ever find someone that’s more than just something to do gets even smaller. Amendment 4/26/09: or does it?

Anyways, I’m wayyyy off track. So, yeah, in a way I miss Chris. But as I once wrote,
“It’s the wrong way; it’s the long way
but I guess it’s okay
as long as someday I get home.”

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Long Island: an advertisement (the video)

Well, folks, here it is. Original lyrics in the post below.

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Long Island: an advertisement

“Long, Strong Island” by Linda K. (c) 2009

In the 18th century, G-Dubbs needed a hand
The British came around and tried to take all of our land
But out near Setauket, with laundry lines and Culper spies
We made our own plan

they couldn’t take the heat
we got those Brits to retreat.

From our long, strong island
away from our long, strong island
so change at Jamaica for the train to Port Jefferson.

Cold Spring Harbor was a major whaling hub of the day
For three years at a time our men were carried away
Instead of coping, some wives would go, they might cook or sew
it was just the life they made.

They had to find some nice big kills
so they could pay the bills

And live on this long, strong island
afford this long, strong island
so change at Jamaica for the train to Oyster Bay.

If you want to get around and you have a car
without Mr. Moses you wouldn’t get very far
From bridges to tunnels to our native parks, closed after dark
he helped lay down the tar

Some laws he may have breached
but he gave us all Jones Beach

And made this long, strong island
he helped make this long, strong island
so change at Jamaica for the train to Babylon.

With the growth of suburbia and recreation on the rise
A house out east was just part of the prize
Hard work in the city, paid off in fun out in the Hamptons
it was their status symbolized

Wouldn’t need to take the train
’cause you’d have your own airplane

To get to this long, strong island
to and from this long, strong island
So change at Jamaica for the train to Montauk.

If you want to come and visit there’s some sights you might see
Old Bethpage Restoration or perhaps a winery
there’s just so much to do: come see the Big Duck, or the Long Island Ducks
We’re full of history.

Out on our long, strong island
yes it’s our long, strong island.
You can change at Jamaica for the train to Penn Station
Yes, you can change at Jamaica for the train to Penn Station.

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