“You shouldn’t worry about everything so much,” I was told. It’s true; I shouldn’t. But I suppose that’s still who I am. I’m still going to tell myself good things only last for a little while. I’m still going to do everything in my power to keep myself distracted.
My mother always said I needed to find someone that would keep me “in check,” so to speak. Not like Rob who would do anything I said, ever. Not like Chris who just trusted me to make good choices — though I have to admit that was the least stressful aspect of that relationship. The one person I’m pretty sure I could never date, though, is me. So if I should happen to find someone who is like me, and is so painfully honest that they actually say all of the fucked-up things that go through my head, I don’t think they’d ever have my trust.
People can change, I’ve heard. And in my own defense I have changed drastically over the past few years. However, I have not been able to change this one specific aspect of my being. I’d like to think next time around will be different. I sincerely hope it is. But first, there has to be a next time, and second, I have to want to change it. So I’ve got the second part down, but no matter how much I want it, sometimes its a defensive thing. I’m not saying that makes it right, I’m just saying it makes it more difficult for me to want.
Know what’s a good idea? I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to go do ten hours worth of homework. …okay, fine. Six hours worth of homework, two hours worth of fucking around on the internets/chatting, and two hours of warcraft. At least that’s closer to accurate. Maybe I’ll have some lunch, too.
Oh, and also? The new Guy Ritchie move = awesome.