I don’t often have these super-shitty days, but unfortunately today was one of them. Now I’m sitting here wondering who to turn to to alleviate some of the anxiety. Two people immediately come to mind, but it is neither of their jobs to cheer me up. Also, one’s in bed and the other would only half pay attention. Have I mentioned yet in this lifetime how much I despise the 30-second lapse between the last thing I said and the generic response conjured as a result of the ability of short-term memory to hold onto the last few words uttered? ‘Cause ‘loathe’ is the word that comes to mind to describe that hatred. I’d sooner never talk on the phone than have to deal with that on any kind of repeated basis.
Anyway, I’m trying not to sit here and make a list of things that suck atm, because it annoys me when other people do it — it’s a pity-me compilation and complete negativity. I may be negative right now, but I refuse to let everything get me down.
I don’t think I believe in “nets” anymore, though. I mean, I guess I do. It’s kind of like what Mike does when he makes you agree to the friendship contract (or was that just me?). So, considering the contract, I guess Mike is my net. And if I called him right now and asked him not to make me feel worse by telling me how hard I’m being on myself, he’d listen, and regardless of what he’d actually want to say, he’d give me whatever I need.
And Joana would listen too. But I feel too horrible not being able to tell her if I can see her this weekend. My priorities are fucked up, and I don’t know how to catch myself up and get them in the right order all in the same weekend. I just feel very weak. I’d like to say that someone to lean on would help, but I’ve come to learn that’s not the way it works. That’s how I get an expectation that can’t be fulfilled. The only one who can save me right now is me. And unfortunately, I’m about to go outside and speed up my death.