I wonder if they’re as happy as they look.
I wonder if I ever look that happy.
I wonder if I ever am that happy.
I remember feeling the way they seem. So then is it just possible, but just not current?
I know I’m not supposed to compare myself to other people. I know how hard it is not to though.
It makes me sad to think I don’t feel that way. Worse, I want to. But I don’t feel as though I can control it entirely. It’s dependent on people in my life just as much as it is in the outlook I take. People have a huge influence on my happiness. You see, I have this empathy tendency. I can feed off of others’ excitement, or fear, or sadness, or negativity. Maybe that’s why I want to do what I want(ed) to do. (Side note: I want to work with kids moreso than adults these days.) Working with adults kind of seems like a disastrous idea, if the empathy thing holds any water.
One would assume the solution is to surround yourself with positive things/people — something that has become a recurring theme at this point in my life. Since James, I’ve noticed this coming back around again & again. I want to, but somehow I tend to attract the tired, down people. I wonder if that’s the workings of my subconscious.
Then again, I’m lucky to have some friends that are utter optimists. I may not always seek them out, but they’re there and they usually find me and they lift me up. I love those guys.
Maybe I’m not as bad off as I think I am. I mean, I have to work at it, but I have been making an effort to shrug off the unfortunate and laugh off the coincidental and breathe the entire time. I don’t know how to teach myself to take life less seriously, but I know it’s got to be on the agenda.
Enough of this. I just made brownies, and I’m going to have tea & brownies.
Also, today, I got new boots. Now I have awesome brown and black boots. That made me happy. 🙂