I don’t even know how to say what’s going on in my head and my heart. They are torn apart, not by the mass of the body in between, but by circumstance and resulting actions of circumstance.
What I have learned is that what I want is to be an individual. To be able to live a single existence, but in a relationship. I’m not sure if I have it all wrong and am trying to be too independent, or if I’m doing what might be right.
I know I’m not the queen of independence. I’m actually like the princess of independence, run away to try to avoid my parents at all costs. But I’m ready now. I’m ready to find the balance between that which is entirely overbearing, and that which is rational.
I want…to live peacefully. I don’t remember moving in with Rob being very complicated, but it wasn’t handled well either. We didn’t really work out “kinks,” I just said ‘jump’ and the bitch jumped. This…this is not like that. That is not me, nor who I want me to be, and unfortunately, that means there are, in fact, kinks. More than I had thought there would be.
I’ve not given up. The second I claim to give up, nothing will be able to restore faith. I don’t think three weeks of an on again/off again living situation is enough to dismiss an entire relationship anyway. The first official month might even be rocky, but not if I can help it. I have made some resolves, some resolutions to bring a better Linda to this world, and ultimately, to my relationship.
I may never reach the ideal I have created for myself, but I am open to compromise and discussion and love, and that is what is most important in my opinion.
Contrary to popular belief, I am not a fan of fighting or drama or anger, or even rockiness. I want calm and collected and easy and fun. I also understand it doesn’t always work that way. I just need to figure out how to make that the most prominent motif in my life.
I believe in me. I hope I’m not the only one.