if I only had a [creative, fantasy-driven] brain…

I feel like I would then fit in better with those that I surround myself with. I would be fun to talk to, sought out for ideas. What do I do? I go to school for psychology. Aside from actually having a somewhat intelligent brain, what have I to contribute to the people closest to me?

I honestly don’t think I have anything of substance to say, and that I’m not very interesting. I might be entertaining sometimes, but that’s all I see as far as what I have to offer. I’m animated. I’m easy to make fun of. Sometimes I feel like I’m the person everyone keeps around to make themselves feel better about how smart/knowledgeable they are.

I’m sure there’s more to it. I’m sure I’ve something good going for me, but at present I can’t see it and I’m not entirely sure why. I’d love to just post my insecurities to the workdaylist, but … well, no one ever has a problem like that, because they’re all so damn confident in themselves & their strengths. I don’t know what my strengths are. I don’t know what I’m good for. And I don’t need to feel even more the baby for whining about it to a group of 30+ people.

Then again, that might be good for me. Maybe they’ll say something nice. Or maybe something mean, but that I need to hear. Or maybe they won’t say anything at all, which would be worse, but nothing worth getting a stash of ACME razors over. (I wouldn’t really need a stash now, would I? One would seemingly be sufficient. Heh.)

I’d rather not seek comfort in other people’s comments. What I’d like is to feel like I know something, and not need to wonder how I fit into the puzzle that are the people I call ‘friends.’ I need for these uber-insecure days to just stop. And step one is coming to terms with who I am, and what my own strengths are. I’m just not sure how to do that when I don’t know.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

2 responses to “if I only had a [creative, fantasy-driven] brain…

  1. Jenny

    I didn’t want to respond to the thread on the list for a number of reasons, but I thought… I dunno, maybe this might be a little helpful somehow:

    I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. I have the creative brain that you’re talking about, and I have never felt like I was lost or couldn’t keep up, or that I wasn’t someone whose opinion was worth asking for, etc. That said, I have never really felt like a part of the group, of any group, really. Like an outsider, stealing glimpses of other people’s lives.

    But really, what is that except for my own problems with perception? What is that but my own insecurity issue? I guess the point is that no one feels like they fit in all the time, and I think that’s part of what makes us all… fit.

  2. Ryan

    As much as I love having a pity party, I have to disagree with you.

    I have no shame in saying this, but you’re the only person I look forward to seeing at Stony Brook. I love talking to you. I can only speak for myself, but I have a lot of fun when you’re around, even if we’re both being emo and mopey.

    I don’t feel like a fit in with some people. Melissa and her friends are basically alcoholics, and that isn’t my scene. My other friends are musicians, potheads, and gamers. I don’t smoke anymore, so in that way I don’t fit in. I being a gamer and nerdy is weird when it seems like I’m a bigger one than anyone else I know. And I’m not much of a musician anymore, even though I spent over a decade being one.

    You are a commuter student. You will feel separated from the campus. You don’t live near the campus (rather, you live far away near NYC). It’s perfectly natural to feel disconnected and worthless, but that doesn’t mean you’re right. You’re really smart and a lot better than you make yourself out to be.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s