Monthly Archives: August 2008

not bad (does not) = good

Things may have begun to get a little bit easier, slightly smoother, and more communicative.
That doesn’t just make everything wonderful though. I can’t tell if my brain is going through some sort of insecurity or if I’m just picking up on unconscious vibes. Probably the former, but I hate to poke and prod to determine which.

I’m waiting for school to start, but I feel like I’m always waiting for something…something to give me a new circumstance or situation. Why? I don’t really know.

The odd part? I’m fairly content. I’m just paranoid.

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prep work.

I have to go ask the neighbors if they care if I have a cat.

I have to go back to Lindenhurst and get her (if no one in the vicinity is allergic). And other things. The jugs of shampoo & conditioner, my printer, my stock of soap and trash bags, everything I might possibly need or want to have with me. Not that I can’t go back, but it’s inconvenient to. Though at that I have to chuckle. Theoretically, the inconvenience is getting up at 5am to get on a train at 6am to sit for an hour and forty minutes, to take classes forever away to do the same thing all over again to get back. But so long as the return > the investment, it’s worth it, right?

I’d like my desk. I just don’t know how to get it from my house to Queens.

I have to figure out how and when to go drop my car off in Stony Brook and take the train back. What does this week look like for me? If the cat is here, it doesn’t matter where I stay, but the gas to get back & forth every day would be too much. So do I do it on Friday? If we go away for the weekend anywhere, then that’s just wasting time we could be spending traveling to wherever. Do I do it Wednesday? If I do, then I have to pay for the train to/from SB on Friday. Do I drive out Tuesday morning (1st day of school) and start the process after Labor Day? I don’t know. I’m not as good at planning as I thought I was. Not to mention I’ve been training myself to be amenable to upheavals in plans. But the whole first day of school thing seems like the best plan.

I need my battery chargers. And shoes; oh, so many shoes. And cat litter. And cat food, which I haven’t even bought yet; she’s just about out of what she has.

That little magnet pad, so I can write down that we need milk & eggs and feel like I’ve made headway on actually getting them.

My files? So I can continue to be neurotic about paperwork? Candles, ’cause I likes them? Socks. More socks. Advil.

I think I will have to dig through drawers, closets, cabinets, shelves…just to feel like I have me with me.

I don’t think I’m leaving me behind, by any means. I do, however, feel like I’m just trying to incorporate myself into Chris’s world (and by ‘world,’ I mean ‘apartment,’ which in essence is kind of exactly what I’m doing).

In any event, tomorrow will be a long day of just about official moving…again, provided it’s okay with the neighbors that I bring Leslie back with me. I got my monthly LIRR ticket in the mail yesterday though, which makes this all the more real. 🙂

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"I’m dating a model."

So, my darling ex-boyfriend, you are. Thank you for sharing. I honestly don’t care about the 400 hundred people waiting for her wherever she is. I don’t particularly care for gloating. Especially when said gloating is about my replacement. “Look, honey – all of the things you weren’t! AND she likes me!”

I honestly don’t know what I prefer: your utter misery (which was really annoying because it was solely due to your not having a girlfriend) or your super-wonderful-model girlfriend gloating. Have I ever sent you a text message about how wonderful my boyfriend is? No. And it’s not because he’s not wonderful (as everyone that knows him knows, he is), it’s because it’s obnoxious to shove it in anyone’s face, especially my ex-boyfriend. I wouldn’t do that because I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Maybe I’m just being a girl. But that was rude.

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when the weight of the world feels exactly like…the weight of the world.

I don’t even know how to say what’s going on in my head and my heart. They are torn apart, not by the mass of the body in between, but by circumstance and resulting actions of circumstance.

What I have learned is that what I want is to be an individual. To be able to live a single existence, but in a relationship. I’m not sure if I have it all wrong and am trying to be too independent, or if I’m doing what might be right.

I know I’m not the queen of independence. I’m actually like the princess of independence, run away to try to avoid my parents at all costs. But I’m ready now. I’m ready to find the balance between that which is entirely overbearing, and that which is rational.

I want…to live peacefully. I don’t remember moving in with Rob being very complicated, but it wasn’t handled well either. We didn’t really work out “kinks,” I just said ‘jump’ and the bitch jumped. This…this is not like that. That is not me, nor who I want me to be, and unfortunately, that means there are, in fact, kinks. More than I had thought there would be.

I’ve not given up. The second I claim to give up, nothing will be able to restore faith. I don’t think three weeks of an on again/off again living situation is enough to dismiss an entire relationship anyway. The first official month might even be rocky, but not if I can help it. I have made some resolves, some resolutions to bring a better Linda to this world, and ultimately, to my relationship.

I may never reach the ideal I have created for myself, but I am open to compromise and discussion and love, and that is what is most important in my opinion.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a fan of fighting or drama or anger, or even rockiness. I want calm and collected and easy and fun. I also understand it doesn’t always work that way. I just need to figure out how to make that the most prominent motif in my life.

I believe in me. I hope I’m not the only one.

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does misery even like company?

Some days I wonder long and hard why in the world I want to be a therapist. I’m pretty sure, with my inability to make so many people feel any better, I would completely suck at it. Some people say “OMFG you are going to RULE as a shrink,” but that’s mostly because their minds (and issues) are less complicated than the people I fail with. Thinking back, I don’t even know if I’ve helped anyone at all. Therapy is supposed to be about a patient talking, and a therapist directing thoughts. With most people all I do is opine. With others, I can say little to nothing, mostly because I can’t handle the continued negative reaction.

I should take that for what it is: a self-help technique. If it makes me so uneasy to hear something like that, how do other people feel when I act similarly?

As for “treating,” I understand that I’m not a shrink, nor am I actually close to being one as of late. But I used to be so good at helping people. At making them smile. At being a bright light at the end of a dark tunnel. Now all I can do is frown and say, “chin up?” and wait impatiently for something magic to happen. What’s the only real possible reaction to that? “Yeah, thanks,” and likely a response frown.

I suppose I do actually understand why I want to make people feel better: true happiness is pretty contagious. (But, mind you, that fake shit that is most commonly seen is not.) Does that mean the key to responding to people’s problems is to just be an uber-optimist and cheerily smile in their face and say, “aw, you’ve nothing to worry about. It’ll all work itself out; you’ll see!” Because that just seems like a fake shortcut.

And I imagine that without being truly happy myself, I will do little good for anyone else. At present, happy people still kind of grate on my nerves, which is an indication that I’m not quite there. Yes, there are certainly times I couldn’t be happier, so all is not lost, but to be able to find that place … the place of peace and tranquility and patience … now that would be an accomplishment of a decade.

Regardless, I should be able to put (most of) my own issues aside, and deal with things for others. Again, though: brick wall. I get met with a lot of sidewards smiles and “I’m going to go”s. Is it just a case of a lack of training? I suppose no matter if it is or isn’t, I should at least view it as such, to keep my inspiration and hope alive.

I can’t seem to figure out if I’m supposed to be empathetic, equally as whatevertheyare, optimistic, or try to help them see a brighter side. Does misery want company or help or just someone to listen? I believe that answer is entirely subjective. Personally? I like company. I like someone to force me to smile, or laugh, because how can I possibly be mad/sad/othernegativeemotion while laughing, or feeling loved? It’s difficult. But who’s to say that’s what everyone else, or anyone else for that matter, wants? I know entirely too many people who want to deal with their shit by just “going away” and “being alone.” Granted, all that usually gets its a pretty bow on top of some sadness or anger, but when solitude is what is sought, it’s hard to argue for the adverse.

So ultimately, misery may or may not love company, and the phrase is a bunch of hogwash?

“Treat a man as he appears to be, and you make him worse. But treat a man as if he were what he potentially could be, and you make him what he should be.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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if I only had a [creative, fantasy-driven] brain…

I feel like I would then fit in better with those that I surround myself with. I would be fun to talk to, sought out for ideas. What do I do? I go to school for psychology. Aside from actually having a somewhat intelligent brain, what have I to contribute to the people closest to me?

I honestly don’t think I have anything of substance to say, and that I’m not very interesting. I might be entertaining sometimes, but that’s all I see as far as what I have to offer. I’m animated. I’m easy to make fun of. Sometimes I feel like I’m the person everyone keeps around to make themselves feel better about how smart/knowledgeable they are.

I’m sure there’s more to it. I’m sure I’ve something good going for me, but at present I can’t see it and I’m not entirely sure why. I’d love to just post my insecurities to the workdaylist, but … well, no one ever has a problem like that, because they’re all so damn confident in themselves & their strengths. I don’t know what my strengths are. I don’t know what I’m good for. And I don’t need to feel even more the baby for whining about it to a group of 30+ people.

Then again, that might be good for me. Maybe they’ll say something nice. Or maybe something mean, but that I need to hear. Or maybe they won’t say anything at all, which would be worse, but nothing worth getting a stash of ACME razors over. (I wouldn’t really need a stash now, would I? One would seemingly be sufficient. Heh.)

I’d rather not seek comfort in other people’s comments. What I’d like is to feel like I know something, and not need to wonder how I fit into the puzzle that are the people I call ‘friends.’ I need for these uber-insecure days to just stop. And step one is coming to terms with who I am, and what my own strengths are. I’m just not sure how to do that when I don’t know.

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nobody said it was easy.

The every 4 days blog continues…although today, I’m not much in the mood to be posting pictures. Maybe another time.

Thursday was nice. Jo came over for dinner. It’s great having her so close by. I will be sad to see her leave, but we will both be so preoccupied with our respective schools, that I imagine weekends will be our only potential time to see one another anyway.

Friday was … a Friday. Work, back to Queens, which I am now calling “home.” I decided if I was going to have doubts about the entire arrangement it wouldn’t be worth doing. So as of now I’m all in. Chris came home from a work BBQ and we watched a movie, drank some whiskey and had just a good, relaxing night in.

Saturday we went to our respective mothers’ homes. I hung out with mom and the cat and BBQed for us. Went back home just to turn around and meet Vinny at the Beer Garden in Astoria. Turns out a friend of (my friend) Dan’s was having a bachelor party there as well, so lots of people were around. It was actually a great place and a lot of fun. Unfortunately, though, my night didn’t end well. One might say it ended disturbingly.

Half of Sunday was spent sleeping. During the waking hours, Chris & I went to Home Depot and carried a table & chairs a mile or two home. Then we set up in the living room and made a workstation. I think it came out pretty well. I tried to study for the test I had today in sleep class, but it was a lot of material and my focus was way off. I did the best I could with what I had.

I left this morning with the intention of returning Wednesday. I’m looking forward to not having to do this anymore. Not wondering where certain belongings are, not trying to figure out what time to get up because of what day it is or if it’s raining, stuff like that. I’d like to have a fairly smooth lifestyle, not that that’s ever really been too possible. But a good place to start might be standard commuting and a stable place to reside.

I spent most of the day okay; I spent some of the day upset. It was rather random, honestly. I didn’t realize I would have strong, painful emotions just sitting inside of me, whirring around, itching for somewhere to go, but finding nothing. Void of an outlet, they only find solace in random tears, which really just annoys me. So I’m walking around, some sort of tear-jerking time bomb, trying to live a normal life. I hear it’s a process, and I’m ready for the “healing” to begin…however that happens. How does one find a constructive emotional outlet, anyway?

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